Kono｢Kimyō｣: God's Blessings on This ｢Bizarre Adventure｣!
by der Reichtangle
Summary: During an ill-fated quest, Kazuma and his party chance upon a certain Bow and Arrow. Hijinks (and posing) ensue.


**Kono** **｢** **Kimy** **ō** **｣** **:** **God's Blessings on This** **｢** **Bizarre Adventure** **｣** **!**

—

 **Episode 1**

 **｢** _ **When Four Idiots Take a Stand**_ **｣**

* * *

Hate.

Let me tell you how much I'd come to hate my life since those fleeting moments. There are I-don't-know-how-many miles of nerve fibers in-between the numerous neurons that fill out my brain. If the word 'hate' was engraved on each infinitesimal stretch of those many, many miles it would not equal an atomic fraction of the hate I felt for my rotten fate at that micro-instant.

For my life. Hate. _Hate_.

"This is it…?"

I had a mouth, and I had to scream.

" _AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ! ! !_ "

So I did.

"The _Instrument of Legend_ we were promised...?"

"After the tribulations we've put ourselves through..."

" _Nooooooooooo_... _*sniff*_ I don't believe this..."

The other members of my party took turns uttering their trailing incredulity, as I expressed my blaring dismay. After a long and arduous journey, filled with terrible peril aplenty, our daring quartet had at long last reached its end. In front of us lay the prize for which we poured blood ( _not really_ ), sweat ( _mostly body oil_ ) and tears ( _lots and lots of tears_ ) to attain. At long last, our hard-earned reward at dungeon's end. But...

"It's just some cheap-looking bow!" — a still bawling Aqua collapsed to her knees, feeling the need to point it out.

As if none of us had already seen that.

Not one of those super-ornamented, master-crafted bows you'd get with a rare loot. Not even the sort they'd give a beginner adventurer at the starting town for free, oh no. It was the flimsy, decrepit type we'd collect a hundreds of, then sell in the market for a measly Eris. The kind that belonged in the Junk section of the inventory.

"And this single arrow…" — Darkness also pointlessly noted, holding both objects in each hand.

Again, not a magical quiver. Not a rare bundle. Not a half-a-dozen good ones even. A single. Solitary. Arrow. Which, by the look of it, was equally as worthless as the bow, save perhaps for the gold arrowhead.

"We've been conned..." — Megumin lamented, burying her dejected face in my back.

Not that I could blame her, or any of them for that matter.

Really, as the only sane person in the group, I should've known better than to accept that damn request in the first place.

At first glance, it looked as any standard fetch-quest that could be found in many a RPG: find some ancient lost artifact - a creepy stone mask in this case - and bring it back. Nothing that would immediately peek my interest. That is, save for one important detail that happened to jump my eye when I was scanning for quests back at the guild. On the poster, the listed reward stated in large, bold letters:

»======================================«

 **—** **Reward** **—**

 **! ! !** _ **INSTRUMENT OF LEGEND**_ **! ! !**

 **! ! !** _ **CAN GRANT ANY ADVENTURER GREAT POWER**_ **! ! !**

 **! ! !** _ **TAKE A STAND FOR YOURSELF**_ **! ! !**

 _(Have to procure item on-site)_

»======================================«

In hindsight, that last line should've been one glaring red flag. Or the fact that such simple yet eye-catching quest hadn't been taken till that point, despite being several days old. Or the fact that the whole poster read like one of those 'Double Your D*** Size' banner ads you'd see on really shifty porn sites.

Regardless, curiosity got the best of me. It was the first time I had seen a request that didn't involve Eris as a reward, so I naturally became interested in seeing what exactly the so-called _Instrument of Legend_ was. That, and I figured a simple fetch-quest would be a nice change of pace from the usual toad hunt or scuffle with a minion of the Devil King.

Though the lack of monetary remuneration caused some resistance within the party, I eventually managed to convince ( _read: browbeat_ ) the other three, and we set off.

Truth be told, I wasn't really expected much to begin with. For fetching some paltry stone mask, I didn't for a second imagine our reward would be 'of legend'. But, as I said, I was curious to see what it was. And as long as we didn't run into much trouble, I figured it would be at the very least worth the short trip.

Naturally, my hopes were dashed the moment we ran into those super-buffed, near-naked Aztec vampires ( _all men, because of course they had to be_ ), with a penchant to strike exaggerated, borderline homoerotic poses.

The quest giver had ( _go figure_ ) failed to mention that the stone mask was stored in some underground dread fortress, being guarded by these scary fellows.

Yet, the cherry on top of all this was that some equally fruity Order of sun-praising, aerobics-obsessed kung-fu monks was apparently embroiled in a war with them. Though, from what I got to see, their fights shared a bigger resemblance to a bodybuilding competition than any battle I'd ever seen. Luckily, through a combination of the aforementioned weirdoes ( _and a Nazi cyborg... for some reason_ ) showing up, my _Drain Touch_ , Aqua's holy mana, Darkness… being Darkness, a hundred boxes worth of body oil, and Megumin's _Explosion_ spell, we had managed to elude the blood-sucking perverts for the time being.

Delving deeper into the vampires' underground stronghold, we began scouring every room ( _well Aqua and Darkness did, since I was on Megumin carrying duty_ ) on every floor on the way down, till we eventually reached the lone, bottommost chamber. Despite the complete s***-show it had been thus far, I foolishly allowed myself to be hopeful. I figured that if such powerful guys were guarding the stone mask then it had to be extremely valuable and, by association, so to would be the reward waiting next to it. It would only be logical.

But no...

Besides the stone mask, the only other object inside the vault was just some crappy bow and arrow set. Such was my soul-crushing disappointment, that the very first thought I had after cracking the door open was that we'd somehow missed the real prize room upstairs and, despite what my gamer instincts were telling me, I prayed that was the indeed case.

Literally, prayed.

On my knees, hands folded, eyes shut.

To every single God I knew the name of.

Yes... _even_ Aqua.

But no...

 _That_ was it... our 'reward'... no doubt about it.

"What the hell are we suppose to do with that thing!?"

"Other than shooting whoever made this accursed request." — for once, I was fully behind one of the useless Goddess' ideas, murder charges be damned.

"No... I wanna use _Explosion_... The most beautiful _Explosion_ to drown out his begging screams... Till there's only ash... Itty-bitty bits..." — that would do to, though only after I'd gotten a chance to unload myself.

"L-Let us not jump to conclusions so hastily." — Darkness remained the sole optimist of the group, but even she wasn't that convinced the whole ordeal could be salvaged — "Appearances can be deceiving, after all. Given their aspect, the bow and arrow are surely ancient, like the stone mask. They may yet hold some power to them."

"Or some guy duped us, and this is just some old junk those vampire strippers dug out and haven't bother to throw in the garbage yet." — I swiftly shot down her naiveté — "Care to bet which is the more likely?"

"A thousand Eris on Kazuma..." — Megumin mumbled, starting the pot.

"Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised that there was never a reward to begin with! The guy was probably counting on us finding some random object down here, so that he could then call it our prize when we got back! Claiming it to be the _Instrument of Legend_!"

And, despite its considerable size, the fortress didn't contained much else of value that we could carry around with us. Nor did we have the time to search for any hidden compartments.

" _*sniff*_ I wanna go home... _*sniff*_ " — par for the course, the blue-haired goddess turned on the waterworks once again — " _*sniff*_ I wanna shower... _*sniff*_ I feel all greasy… _*sniff*_ It's gross… _*sniff*_ "

"Me too." — to be join by the petite mage, presently serving as my backpack — "Must rest… Save strength… Search-and- _Explosion_ to follow…"

"Yes, its perhaps best that we left this place before anything else. Goddess knows what we'll do should we find ourselves face-to-face with those ~ _scantily-clad_ ~ custodians once more. The ghastly, _~unspeakable~_ horrors they might further inflict on us... Should they catch wind we're trying to appropriate the artifact they've been safeguarding so _~fervently~_..." — I swear, when that woman's imagination got rolling, she could heat up the inside of a refrigerator with her panting.

"Like hell we're stealing it!" — but, unlike the masochistic knight, I for one did not find the idea of being in anyway part of another Bara torture session at all appealing.

"Eh?" — my sudden declaration broke each out of their respective stupor, eliciting a collective weird look from the three.

"Are you dense!? What in blazes are you talking about, you shut-in NEET!? We can't complete the quest if we don't steal the mask! Or do you honestly think they'll let us have it!?" — it never ceased to amaze me how Aqua could switch from sobbing wreck back to haughty diva in less than a blink. (My money continued to be on schizophrenia.)

"Of course they won't let us have it! Which is exactly why we're not taking it!"

"B-B-But the quest said to retrieve-" — with a quick swipe of hand, I snatched the artifact out of her hands.

"No! You think after the anguish we had to endure - the ominous dungeon filled with exhibitionist vampires, swimming through a literal ocean of body oil, _the frisking_ \- that we should settle for… for that!?"

I pointed an accusatory finger at the two objects Darkness was holding.

" _THAT!?_ Should we simply return to the guild and hand the mask in!? 'Thank you, come again'!? No! Screw! That! We got gypped! So I say, let the guy come and pick it up himself! He won't dignify us with a proper reward, so we won't dignify him with a job well done either! Besides, I'm not about to run the risk of having those strippers chase us later down the line because we stole-!"

 _ ***CRASH***_

"Broke it... Kazuma broke it..." — Megumin announced, as my furious arm waving caused the mask to slip out of my greasy fingers and shatter into pieces at my feet — "We're all going to get groped again… Farewell sweet innocence..."

Guess that put an end to that matter.

"Don't worry, Megumin. We can always point the nude men at Kazuma." — our healer reassured the droopy mage — "After all, the break-in, the attempted robbery, the destruction of private property… the fault lies on him, and him alone. We're merely three fair maidens who were roped into committing theft by that brute."

The worst part of it was, she wasn't entirely wrong. For once, the blame lay squarely on me, and my darn curiosity. It wasn't so much a case of the latter killing the cat ( _though it definitely came close_ ), but kicking him in the balls and running away laughing.

"Fret not, Kazuma. You shall have me right by your side when those ~ _fiends_ ~ choose to exact their reprisal." — Darkness swore, hand over heart to punctuate her oath — "I shall sacrifice my ~ _body_ _and_ _virtue_ ~ if needed be, to defend you from their wicked, _~oily~_ clutches."

"Sure..." — though not with the noblest of intentions, as I imagined.

Frankly, my willpower had been wholly drained over the course of the hectic day I had ( _along with a good chunk of my dignity_ ), so there was little patience left in me to deal with any of my party members' distinct quirks.

"Let just head back to the mansion. I think I'm hearing those guys' theme song again…"

»======================================«

 **—** **Quest: Retrieve the Stone Mask** **—**

— **FAILED** **—**

 _(Reward taken anyway)_

»======================================«

* * *

 **KO-NO-SU-B~** _ **AY~**_ _ **AY~**_ _ **AY~**_ _ **YAIEEEE~**_

"Screw the cutaway card, _RUUNNN! ! ! !_ "

* * *

"Damn, that woman."

Stretched out in my bed, I drew not-so silent curses at a certain blonde crusader for the two objects hanging just above my face.

"Couldn't she have dropped it where we found it? Why did she have to carry this along with her?"

Two days had passed since the fateful quest, and our party's ( _by the skin of our teeth_ ) escape from that dungeon of kinkiness. Now, it fell upon me trying to figure out what to do with the archery set we'd seized, the sole memento of that harrowing chain of events. Well, the sole _physical_ memento. The recurring night terrors and the constant behind-the-shoulder paranoia would likely linger for far longer.

Indeed, just looking at it was enough to reminded me of a sea of fingers moistening every single crevice-

"No-No-No-No...!" — I slapped myself repeatedly to dispel the pervading memories, lest I wished for a more detailed mental picture.

Maybe that's why that masochist had maintain a hold in it, even if unconsciously. She planned to use it later as some sort of masturbatory aid for her wild fantasies, I was beginning to suspect. Needless to say, getting rid of the damn thing as soon as possible was my, plus Aqua's and Megumin's, top priority at the present moment.

The question remained…

 _What am I to do with this?_

Merely throwing it in the garbage ( _where it belonged_ ), like the two had suggested, was not an option in my mind. After the mire of a quest we transversed, we owe it to ourselves to try and squeeze some of our money's worth, I reasoned. So, following a daylong bath session to wash off the all-permeating gunk, I was volunteered to recoup our losses.

Predictably, no store in town was interested in buying the bow and arrow, despite its status as a so-called _Instrument of Legend_. Though, besides making me sound like some swindler, it was difficult to extol it as such when anyone could build a better looking weapon. With zero crafting stats.

Come lunchtime, I also made a stop by the adventurer's guild, seeking information on who were we to deliver the stone mask. The 'Search' in 'Search-and-Destroy'… or rather 'Search-and- _Explosion_ ', as our mage had put it. Much as I looked forward to it, I was again left empty-handed after the receptionist lady notify me that we were to leave the mask at their care, to be picked up at a later time.

 _Yeah,_ _not happening…_

Running out of options, Wiz's store became my last hope of finding compensation for the blasted thing. I figured the Lich would be more malleable to the idea of buying the set from me, given that she dealt with these exact sort of esoteric items. If nothing else, the piece of crap could pass up for an antique she could put on display, as I did my best to convince her of.

Considering that I was still holding it, Wiz hadn't buy it, mostly because of Vanir threatening to use his death-beam on her if she did ( _and_ _even she wasn't that big of a sucker_ ). What I end up getting, however, was more useful feedback than the 'Go peddle that trash elsewhere!' I had gotten at the other establishments I had visited.

 _[flashback]_

" _So you believe this garbage may actually be valuable? I already fired it once, and the arrow simply bounced off the wall like the crumby projectile it is. Against a real foe, I doubt it would be capable of doing much damage…"_

" _May I suggest that, maybe… just maybe… it's not a weapon strictly speaking."_

" _It looks like a cheap bow and arrow to me, Vanir. Besides the obvious, what other uses can it possibly have?"_

" _Yes that's true, but… remember. As you mentioned, the quest poster referred to the reward as an 'instrument', not a weapon. Its true application may lie in the way it words it."_

" _It also said that it 'Can Grant Any Adventurer Great Power', from what I recall. But, if it's not meant as a weapon, how is anyone suppose to use the bow then? If not to shoot the arrow at an enemy…"_

"… _at yourself perhaps?"_

 _[/flashback]_

"I'm supposed to shoot myself? To attain this _Great Power_?"

It seemed a frankly ridiculous idea at the time, despite his preceding reasoning, and I told him so myself.

So, after one last ditch attempt to auction it off for some Eris _(10000, which I maintain was scrapings after what we went through)_ , I took the Lich and the Demon up on their offer to search for more information on the troublesome object instead. The arrowhead, in particular, had aroused an odd interest from both as it was made of a metal neither could recognize. And though he avoided going into detail, Vanir also spoke of a rumor that had been circulating within the inner circle of Devil King's army, right before he left. Of an otherworldly relic, an arcane instrument that even the Gods themselves feared, capable of imbuing someone with tremendous power, though at an immense risk for the user.

Nonetheless, both felt it would best be kept in my hands for safekeeping in the meantime.

 _And so here we are… What to do…? What to do…?_

Regardless of what their investigation would attest, the bow and arrow could be pass off as a rare relic of sort, I reckoned. Perhaps, if I were to find some rich antiquarian, I could talk him into adding the set to his collection, for an 'once-in-a-lifetime bargain'. I would still be ripping someone off, granted, but at that point I wanted nothing but to get some money out of the whole ordeal, and put the matter to rest.

Yet, as the ( _non-existent_ ) clock ticked by, the more the talk I had with the former General kept gnawing at weary consciousness.

"To shoot oneself… That would certainly pose 'an immense risk for the user'…"

Much as I tried to apply his rationale, it still sounded like an utterly idiotic proposition. More so, as it was based on a bunch a bull some asshat had written to sucker some poor schmuck into doing that infernal quest, for all I knew. But…

…

Maybe…

…

Just maybe…

…

Test it out…?

…

See if it works…?

…

Might as well try it…

…

It couldn't hurt…well, me at least. While I trusted our friendly neighborhood Demon, it was mere conjecture on his part still, and I was not about to risk my own life on the word of some stupid poster in any case. I needed a test subject of sorts. Like an animal…

"A monkey?"

Close to a human, though finding one would be difficult in this world.

"A dog?"

No, I would be needlessly be risking getting chased around and bitten.

"A bird?"

Hard to hit, even harder to catch one.

"A rat?"

Ditto, to say nothing of all those annoying disease status effects.

"A cat?"

Same as the dog, only with a lot more clawing involved.

"A turtle?"

Of all the possibilities left, why would I come up with that one next?

…

…

…

…

"Gah! What am I thinking!?" — exasperated, I rose out of bed — "This is just silly. I don't have it in me to hurt some defenseless animal."

I mean, what kind of sick twisted individual would go around shooting some poor creature at random?

"Kazuuummmaaaaaaaa! Where are you at!?"

" _~Coming~_!"

Said the smirking spider to the blue-haired fly.

* * *

 **KO-NO-SU-B** **A**

* * *

"Kazuuummmaaaaaaaa!"

Making full use of my _Lurk_ skill, I moved into position by the four-way intersection leading to the mansion's living quarters, only answering Aqua's shrilling calls to lure her in. Bow and arrow in hand, with my back against the opposing corner of the hallway she was coming down from, I waited for the test subject to enter visual range. So long as I made sure she didn't make a right turn, I would be left with a perfect shot of her back once she crossed it, leaving her no time to react.

As the pair of footsteps grew louder, however, the tiny white angel standing on my shoulder began nagging at my ear.

" _Should really I be doing this?"_

Sure, that useless Goddess could be an incensing a pest at times, but to back-stab my ally in a manner such as this… Maybe that was taking it a bit too far. And for what ultimately? Some poorly thought-out experiment?

"Kazuuummmaaaaaaaa!"

No. Whether I liked it or not, our fates were bounded to one another until the Devil King was defeated.

"Kazuuummmaaaaaaaa!"

Yes. I would do the right thing and refrain from committing such despicable action, I would not shoot my own partner in the back…

"Kazuuummmaaaaaaaa! Did you sell that bow and arrow already, you shut-in NEET!?"

I'd just point it at her leg or something…

"Seriously, why didn't he just throw away that ugly piece of dilapidated junk? Hmpf. Guess a sad, hopeless virgin like him tends to hold sentimental value over things that remind him of himself. Birds of a feather, as they say. In this case, flocking around a landfill."

Her black heart it was then…

"Then again, it's not like I can judge him too harshly. Given what came to pass in that dungeon, maybe he's not so hopeless after all."

No, no… Still a ( _somewhat_ ) decent guy, I found it best to strike a compromise.

"Isn't he listening? Where the hell is that shut-in NEET? To make a beautiful Goddess such as myself go around in circles looking for him…"

That being her barely covered ass… which came into full view, as she marched past the corner I was hiding against, none the wiser to my presence. I promptly pointed the lustrous arrow tip at her buttocks, figuring they would cushion most of the damage, when another too-good-to-pass-up opportunity was presented by the firing angle.

The torment of two days past had the unfortunate side effect of also bringing other, uncomfortable memories to the fore. Such as that one instance when my poor rectum was blisteringly defiled by a certain water deity's ineptitude. So, bearing that not-so pleasant experience in mind, I adjusted my aiming towards the center, seeking to settle the score.

Sweet, sweet payback…

So fixated was I with my tantalizing target, submerged in revenge fantasies of seeing Aqua trotting around with an arrow for a tail, that I failed to take notice of my surroundings. Namely, the sound of a flushing toilet and the creaking door at my opposite end of the intersection being opened.

" _Sni-_ "

"Kazuma?"

"-p _AAHHHH!_ _! ! !_ "

Taken aback by Darkness' voice, my grip and feet slipped, veering my _Snipe_ shot at the precise moment I released the bow string. Way off-course as the arrow was sent flying, it would be highly unlikely that it hit anything.

"I think Aqua… is… sear… ching…"

Due to my high _Luck_ stat, not only did it bounce off the ceiling and the floor in quick succession, it then found home on the exposed base of the crusader's neck, managing to miss the entirety of her armor.

"Darkness?"

Of all the times to score a lucky crit.

"Why?" — she didn't speak with her voice ( _not that she could with an arrow lodged in her throat_ ). Rather, it was her lifeless eyes that expressed her betrayal, as her stiff body tumbled backwards akin a tree.

"Darkness!"

It could be said that she kinda brought it on herself, being the one who carried the accursed object with her. So, in reality, such unfortunate accident could be chalked up to a simple case of Karmic retribution. Or that was what I was trying to convince myself of, at any rate, to ward off the soul-crushing guilt.

I was failing miserably…

"There you are, Kazuma!" — hearing the commotion, it was easy for Aqua to spot my immobile figure by the junction — "Didn't you-!? Ah! Darkness!"

Credit to the Goddess, she was swift to react upon seeing our fallen comrade, rushing to her side to administer _Heal_. A far better response than mine, admittedly.

"What happened, Kazuma!? How was she…!?" — then noticing the conspicuous cause of injury — "Is this… Is this the ugly arrow we brought back? And is that… the bow, you're holding?"

Even with her sub-par _Intelligence_ , it wasn't hard to put two and two together.

"What the hell did you do, you shut-in NEET!? Why did you shot Darkness!?"

"I didn't mean to… It was… It was an accident…"

"What do you mean an accident!? Why were you running around with that thing!?"

"Never mind that now! Is Darkness going to be okay!?" — a grim possibility crossed my mind — "Is she…?"

"No, she's still alive." — Aqua reassured — "In fact, despite where the arrow landed, she appears to be more injured from the fall itself."

"Oh, thank you merciful God." — I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Your thanks should be given to me, or have you forgotten? My class is of an Arch Priest, so not only are my healing spells of the highest grade, if the worst were to have happened I could've always cast _Resurrection_." — to quickly be turned into one of annoyance.

"Now it's not the time to stroke your damn ego, you useless Goddess! Just make sure Darkness recovers!"

"Care to explain to this 'useless Goddess' how exactly did this happen then, you brute!? Why were staking out the bathroom!? Were…" — by her face she was already assuming the worst of me — "…were you waiting for her to come out?"

"I told you, it's not like that! It was an accident! I didn't meant to hit her!"

"So was this suppose to be some poor taste prank gone wrong?"

"What!? No! Why would I be doing that!?" — I defended myself — "Besides, I didn't notice she was in there until she opened the door!"

"Then what!? What were you doing hiding in the corner with a drawn bow!? And how did you end up hitting Darkness by _mistake_!?"

"Because she startled me when I was about to shoot you in the a-a-a-a-ah-ah…"

Ah, crap.

"~ _In the what, Kazuma_ ~?"

Crap. Crap. Crap.

"A-A-Aqua, I-I can explain…" — seemed that in the heat of the moment, it had somehow slip my mind that I was talking to my original target, and ended up spilling the beans right in front of her.

Who, in turn, had become the very picture of serenity.

"Yes, do tell me." — not even when she yanked the crimson-tipped arrow from Darkness' neck heedlessly, blood gushing into her hand, did her heavenly facade break — "You were about to shoot ~ _who~_ , in the ~ _what~_ exactly? I didn't quite catch that part. Would you be so kind as to repeat yourself?"

My ensuing silence was all the damning evidence she required.

"I see, I see. Allow me then…" — casting sentence, crystal pure murder swelled from her eyes — _"…_ to return the favor, _YOU DISGUSTING PISSANT! ! ! !_ "

Fortunately for me, instead of her patented _God Blow_ , the vengeful goddess opted to hurl the arrow at me akin a javelin. The telegraphed nature of her throw made it easy for me to dodge the incoming projectile.

"You guys are being too loud. What's going o-?"

Unfortunately, the same could not be said of Megumin, who chose that precise moment to turn the corner behind my back. A dumbstruck Aqua and I watched as, much like Darkness, she stood inert for the next few seconds before falling backwards like a domino piece, the arrow firmly wedged in her left eye.

"Megumin!"

And like the crusader, by some miracle, she had somehow survived being struck by the golden missile in a rather sensitive spot, from what I could tell at a glance.

"Wha… Wha-What did I do!?" — as the killing intent ( _and color_ ) drained from her face, Aqua was left scratching her head over the consequences of her misguided actions.

"You shot her, you irresponsible Goddess! That's what you did!"

"It's your own damn fault for dodging the arrow! You should've stood still and accepted your divine punishment!"

"By that logic, you should've move faster down the hallway, so that Darkness wouldn't have to have been hit by accident!"

"Oh, so I should've let you commit deicide!? The nerve!"

"I wasn't trying to kill you, dumb-ass! That's why I was aiming for your butt, rather than that black heart or empty head of yours!"

"Ah! You dare imply that I have a black heart and an empty head! When you were the one planning to shoot a delicate and virtuous dame like myself in her rear end, for no discernible motive! Like some lowly deviant!"

"It wasn't without reason! Also, 'delicate and virtuous dame'!? Give me a break! Those don't go around insulting people behind their backs!"

"It's not derogatory when it's the telling like it is!"

Our back and forth kept escalating, soon devolving into juggling verbal abuse between the two of us. And like two monkeys flinging excrement at one another, not much was achieved other than further making a mess of the situation.

"Kazuma… Aqua…"

Until someone unexpected interposed.

"Darkness?" — the crusader was on her feet, not looking too much worse for wear given what happened, looking at us with an inquisitive expression — "Darkness! Are you okay!?"

"Yes… though I feel a bit woozy." — she relayed, holding her head to the side — "What's going on? Why were you yelling at each other just now?"

"Well, I…"

"Because this idiot shot you with that arrow we found, that's why!" — not wasting any time, Aqua was swift to lay the blame on me — "Worst of all, I was apparently his original target!"

"You shot me, Kazuma…?"

By far the most disconcerting aspect of her countenance was that she didn't seem at all surprised I could do such a thing. Then again, she didn't appear insomuch as hurt by the notion of me causing her grievous harm but rather cautiously excited, going by her reddening cheeks.

"…and then Megumin too?"

"Megumin…? Gah!"

It was only when Darkness mentioned her, that Aqua and I realized we had forgotten about the downed mage in the midst of our argument, leaving her unattended.

"Aqua, _Heal_ quickly!"

"I know, I know!" — a repentant Aqua hurried to our fallen party member's side, applying her restorative magic with equal haste.

"Kazuma, I can recognize that there's a base desire dwelling within you to abuse and demean me, but..." — while a solemn Darkness came to me, placing a hand in my shoulder.

"Eh?"

"...but Megumin? Why would you do it to someone like her!? How could you!? Is putting one woman, let alone one at the cusp of maturity, through these ignominious acts just not enough for you to find gratification!? Am I not enough!?"

Why in God's name was she sounding like a wife I had cheated on?

"Yes, you shut-in NEET, care to explain whatever logic is behind this idea of yours?"

"Okay, first off, Aqua was the one who shot Megumin, not me! Second, there's no such thing as a base desire dwelling inside me, so cut it out you delusional masochist!" — I rebutted, breaking contact and clearing up the fantasizing crusader's misinterpretations — "Third, I… I was just… testing the bow and arrow."

"Testing!? And you need live target to see if a bow can fire an arrow? What kind of sicko are you!?" — an abhorred Aqua misconstrued.

"No, I meant to test its supposed inherent power. I talked to Vanir earlier, and he speculated that to obtain the _Great Power_ the quest poster promised, one would have to be hit by the arrow." — I explained.

"And you actually listen to that guy!? What were you thinking!?" — akin a trained dog, Aqua barked at my mention of the Demon — "Oh, when I get my hands on him… I swear I'm going to purify him so thoroughly he'll reincarnate full circle, so I'll get to repeat the process as many times as I want."

"How would that even…?" — I stopped myself from wasting more brain cells trying to work out what went on inside that hollow skull of hers — "Anyway, it's not like I thought it would work. Still, I wanted to find out whether Vanir was on to something or not."

"That's why you shot me." — Darkness concluded.

"Yes!" — I erroneously answered — "I mean, no. I was planning on shooting Aqua…"

"But then you no doubt realized that possibly injuring our party's healer would be foolish, not to mention counterproductive should you decide to carry out more experiments."

"Err…"

"Yes, I understand it now!" — she declared with firm conviction — "My natural bulk combined with your innate objectification of me, seeing me as little else than a slab of flesh to leer at and cast aside once satiated… You determined that I would be much better suited to be your guinea pig! So you lay in wait outside the restroom, waiting for me to come out to spring your ambush!"

"What? Wait no, Darkness… That wasn't my idea!"

Why wasn't it my idea?

'Slab of flesh' bit aside, her reasoning wasn't that far off. With her tanky build, and masochistic personality to boot, she was the best lab rat any would-be researcher could hope for. The fact that she was already standing up, and thanking me in her own little way, was more than adequate proof of those assertions.

I was tempted to go along with the crusader's logic, if only because it was better to came off as a smart sociopath than some reckless idiot with no idea of what he was doing.

"That you'd wager my well-being with such _~wanton~_ disregard, on the pure speculation of a former servant of the Devil King. Not even knowing what may come to pass to those struck by the arrow. I _~shudder~_ at the mere thought… "

I bet she did, though not for reasons any sound-minded individual would.

"To think, some wicked power could well be cursing my veins as we speak, _~aching~_ to fill every waking moment of mine with _~excruciating~_ agony. That my body could well be twisted into some _~hideous~_ abomination of flesh and bone, _~lusting~_ nothing but death and destruction, its own included as to escape the _~unending woe~_ that torments it. Turned into nothing but a puppet, a _~mere plaything~_ for an immeasurably higher power, all the while my consciousness remains _~trapped~_ , forced to look on in _~abject powerlessness~_ , as I'm made to _~obey~_ its every order without question, no matter how _~depraved~_ or _~revolting~_. At the complete and _~utter~_ mercy of whatever _~vile~_ manner of demonic curse the arrow may be inscribed with, pain and madness in an _~unrelenting~_ assault against my very core, as I valiantly yet _~futilely~_ try to resist its corruption, its _~sinful~_ allure. My soul broken piecemeal, _~sullied~_ at the hands of whatever bygone _~evil~_ may lurk within me now…"

And on she went again…

Her mind proved fertile with perverse, self-flagellating scenarios, to the point the overflow began to seep through the corners of her mouth. I bet even a Lovecraftian entity would feel unease anywhere inside that skull of hers. Aqua and I could only sit back and watch as she poured her heart out of all the messed-up fantasies she could conjure up.

Strange thing was… I actually found myself deriving some degree of inebriated amusement from Darkness' thoughts. That kind of funny kick out you get out of a really awful joke after downing several tankards of alcohol, that kept coming… and coming… and coming… and coming… as my vision began to turn into a blur, my head lost several pounds, and time slowed to a stand still. It was…

…and coming…

…surprisingly pleasant truth be told, despite the alien sensation. If I had to put it into words…

…and coming…

 _~It was like putting on a warm sweater during a cold winter morning~_ **and my stomach had been turned into a washing machine filled with bricks**.

Wait… no. That didn't feel good at all. In fact, it was making me sick and dizzy, with a massive pulsating headache on top of it.

 **The feeling was comparable to having a power drill burrow a hole into my skull** ~ _while it rested against a bountiful bosom, with my back receiving a relaxing massage_ ~ **given** **by red hot fingers that seared my skin, and acid was poured down my throat** _~that tasted like sweet strawberries, freshly picked after frolicking through a meadow of daisies~_ **and grass made of rusty razor blades and needles, buried in salt** ~ _where a pleasant breeze blew, letting me soar freely through the air_ ~ **and against a jagged mountain top, snapping every bone in twain** ~that sounded like popping bubble wrap, each a kiss by a lovely maiden~ **sucking and tearing flesh bit by bit, leaving it like a ragged sponge** _~so cushy and cuddly, rubbing it up and down…_ ~ **Up and down… Up and down…** ~ _Up and down…_ ~

 _~It was so nice~_ **to feel like** **dying**.

 **Pain** **was not so bad** _~cause_ _pleasure followed shortly~_.

 _~Like a wave at first,~_ **back and forth, one after the other** … then with little difference between the two.

 _ **~Ple-ain-sure~**_ (?) just came and came, pure swelling ecstasy, washing my worries and thoughts away…

straight I think Till anymore couldn't.

good though All.

Darkness talking kept. blah, Blah, blah…

Aqua… on Hold, that Aqua wasn't. name What again was her…? Red! right That's! red all face Because is her. Made sense. funny Red at me looked. sure why Not.

she looking What at was?

see too it I wanted!

…colors funny all around Looked at…

…me buzzing insects around…

…snow dusty ceiling from falling…

…314 wall stones made that up…

…wind dancing the flames with candle…

… _Blow_ _God_ coming face towards my…

…boxes unhinged of by door a pile…

…

second a Wait…

right Something not was…

What was…?

…

…

Ah, yes. me silly of How…

stones were There 315 actually on th-

 _ ***SMACK***_

* * *

 **KO-NO-SU-B** **A**

* * *

 _ ***drip***_

 _ ***drip***_

 _ ***drip***_

"Weird…"

The biting moisture clinging to most of my skin had been the first to register as I regained consciousness. Second was the throbbing pain in my lower jaw, shortly followed by the overall soreness that permeated my body, which the icy dampness did little to alleviate.

"When did I decide to take a bath?" — with my clothes on no less, I thought to myself out loud.

It was evident I had been out cold for a while. The most pertinent question was: why?

Getting off the tub, I moseyed back to my room to change into a dry pair of clothes. As I dressed myself, the wheels inside my head turned, trying to make sense of the situation, retracing my steps: I had the bow and arrow; I wanted to see if it had any latent power; I was going to shoot Aqua; Darkness ended up being shot instead; Aqua then hit Megumin when the former tried to retaliate; Darkness eventually got back up; Then…

"Then what?" — my memory was but a fuzzy haze beyond that point — "Where are those three anyway?"

The common room was the safest bet, I figured, so I made my way there once I finished put on my new clothes. And, sure enough, I found Aqua sitting alone by the fireplace.

"Hey, Aqua! Where-?"

With a creaking turn of the head, she greeted me with a glare she'd reserve for a cockroach: averse to the touch, but nonetheless wishing to squish me under her the sole of her foot.

"Why are you looking-?"

Stupid question. I had tried to stick an arrow in her ass, that's why. Most people, myself included, would probably be crossed if someone tried to pull that on them. But the way she was impaling me with her eyes…

"Look, about that… I guess I should apologize for-"

"Don't you dare come near me, you _sick freak_." — she spat with utmost venom — "Utter filth even a sewer rat would be repelled by."

"Come on now, that seems a bit harsh, don't you think?" — attempted aggravated battery or not , her disposition seemed more caustic than the circumstances would warrant.

"After you did, you grotesque degenerate? Gutter trash is too much of a positive description of you. In fact, one such as you deserves a picture, your very own term in the dictionary. Your name as the most vile of expletives."

"Calm down. I know what I did was bad…" — I did my best to reach out to her, but…

"I said don't touch me!" — Aqua wasn't having any — "Don't make me use another _God Blow_ on you!"

"I'm sorry, I… wait, another? Is that why I was knocked out in the bath? You punched me?"

"Of course I did! You deserve that and then some!"

"Okay, maybe..." — I conceded — "But why throw me in the bath then? With my clothes on?"

"Were you expecting Darkness or I to strip you naked?" — point taken, though it did not answer my question — "Besides, your clothes needed as much cleansing as yourself."

"Why did my clothes require cleaning?"

"Oh…? You don't remember? Guess your mind was too deep in the gutter for you to recall." — she posited — "Or are you just playing coy, to force the words out of a beautiful Goddess' lips? You sicken me."

"Stop that! I'm serious, I don't recall anything past Darkness waking up. What happened?" — I kept insisting.

"You are not making me relive, or describe, that perverted show you put on!"

"Perverted show? What's that suppose to mean!?"

"Exactly what it says. I'm aware most men tend to lose control of their loins the lower their inhibitions get, but only you to do so while daydreaming! You truly you outdone yourself." —she derided.

"So… I wet myself?"

"Yes. Yes, you did." — a curt response — "But _not_ in the way you're imagining right now."

"Oh…" — **pain** and  ~ _pleasure~_ , I then recalled — " _Oooohhhhhhh_ …"

Little wonder Aqua was so murderously disgusted with me… if _that_ came to pass right in front of her.

" _WHAT THE HELL! ? ! ?_ "

I sure was.

"How did such thing happen!?" — I bawled, hastening my inevitable balding process as I did.

"How should I know what goes inside that debased wasteland you have for a brain?" — the blue-haired Goddess scoffed at my question.

"Don't you see!? None of this is normal! I may commit perverted actions now and again, yes. I maybe be called Kazumatrash or Kazuma the Brute not without reason, true. I may even be a hopeless virgin, shut-in NEET like you say." — I admitted — "But even a guy like me has some standards! Even I am not that screwed up in the head to do that in public!"

"People often amaze even themselves." — only to be disregarded.

"I'm telling you, it wasn't like that! You've to believe me, my mind…" — I had to claw deep into the recesses of my psyche to dig out the memories — "My mind was… was being tampered with! It had to! I couldn't steer my own thoughts, no more than a drunk driver could steer a car. Besides… it wasn't just _~pleasure~_ I felt! I distinctly recall the excruciating **pain** that would come in-between bursts! Almost like…"

Like I was enjoying myself _because_ of it…

As if I was getting off on that very **pain** …

The same way some masochist would…

Same as…

" _HER! ! ! !_ "

"What are you screaming on about now?"

"Where is she!?" — that blonde bitch had done something to me, I was certain.

"If you're talking about Darkness, she took Megumin to her room. She should return soon."

" _~Good~_." — and when she did, she was going to be given a substantial piece of the mind she just so happened to screw up.

The approaching pair of heavy-clanging footsteps coming from the hallway told me I did not have to wait for much longer.

" _YOU! ! ! !_ " — entering the room, Darkness' expression was one of mild shock upon seeing me — "What the f*** did you-!?"

That swiftly turned into one of cold, refined killing intent as the crusader mechanically drew her sword from its scabbard, approaching me then at a nimble pace.

"D-Darkness…?" — I yelped, having sudden cause to fear for my life — "What are you…?"

"Kazuma… Please refrain from moving…" — a somewhat unreasonable demand, considering she was pointing the tip of blade directly at my head, while in a thrusting stance — "I cannot afford to miss…"

Neither Aqua or I were quite expecting such a visceral response from her, in particular after the earlier incident with the arrow.

Something along the lines of 'How could you?', while her face burned redder than a tomato? Sure.

Her whole figure screaming 'Please die', topping even the water deity's ( _who looked on just as baffled_ ) initial reaction? Not so much.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" — I fell to my knees, each rapid fire sentence and bow a desperate plea for mercy — "I know what I did may look unforgivable, but-"

Devoid of pity, Darkness yanked me off the ground by my shirt collar, and shoved me against the nearby wall.

"Remain still!" — she commanded.

"Eh, Darkness?" — Aqua tried to intervene on my behalf — "I'm all for punishing Kazuma, but killing him in cold blood I think is a tad excess-"

Not no avail, as the vengeful crusader thrust the pointed edge of her sword forward.

" _GAAAHHHH! ! ! !_ "

Skewering the stone partition behind me, and my head… had I not manage to break free from her hold at the last possible second.

"Kazuma!"

"Please, Darkness! I know what I did… what happened was wrong, but… but that does not give you the right to take my life! What kind of knight are you!?" — I supplicated — "And if you're that hell-bent on killing me anyway, hear me out first at least! Allow me die with a clean conscious!"

"Kazuma, I'm trying to save your life!"

"You…? Are…?"

"Yes!" — she asserted — "Now please, remain still and let me-!"

"Like hell I am!" — I continued to put some distance between the two of us — "Care to explain how is nearly impaling me constitutes saving my life!?"

"You mistake my intentions, Kazuma. My blade was not aimed at you." — Darkness reiterated before going into details — "Rather, it was at that… grody, insect-like creature that dangles from your left ear. Even with its minuscule size, I can sense that it's artificial in nature, the product of some unknown magic. It radiates an aberrant, malign aura reeking of foul intent. If I don't strike it now, it may well try to find shelter inside your head through your ear canal."

I, however, was less concerned with the possibility of some creepy crawler clinging to me than with the absolute harebrained stupidity of her actions.

"Then why didn't you tell me _that_ before moving in for the kill!? You couldn't hit the broadside of a barn, and you expect to hit some tiny bug hanging near my head with your sword!? The hell are you thinking!? You nearly ended up killing me yourself, you clumsy ox!" — and I made sure to tell her exactly that.

"I…" — to whom the folly of her conduct started to dawn on.

"Also, what's this talk about some insect critter hanging from my ear? I don't feel anything. In fact…" — I ran my hand through said appendage, grasping only air — "See? Nothing…"

"Kazuma's right. I'm not seeing anything there either, Darkness." — Aqua's observation further threw her claims into dubious territory.

"How can you not!? It's right there! Can you not see it!?" — flabbergasted by our refutal, she kept on insisting.

"No." — only to meet our joint negation.

"H-H-Here!" — desperate for evidence, Darkness next grabbed the empty space next to my left ear — "D-Do you see it now!? In the palm of my hand, this… this bug creature!?"

"No." — same response, again in unison.

"I… I-I don't understand… I know _I_ am seeing it. I know _I_ am feeling it." — she cast her eyes down at whatever ( _she thought_ ) she was holding — "Its eyeless oblong head… Its salivating mouth… Its whip-like tail… Its elongated legs and arms… Its tiny pincers gnawing at the palm of my hand… The shadowy aura it emanates…"

"You feeling okay, Darkness?" — despite everything, seeing my fellow party member in that dejected state was starting to get me worried.

"I think I am, but… maybe… maybe I just don't know anymore." — the crestfallen crusader confessed — "Truth be told, I've this sensation, that… that some fundamental part of me has been radically changed. A foreign thread being sown into the very fabric of my being… ever since I was struck by the arrow."

Hold on…

Struck by the arrow…

' _Can Grant Any Adventurer Great Power'_ …

Only Darkness sees it…

Dangling from my ear…

Shelter inside my head…

My mind being tampered with…

 **Pain** and _~pleasure~_ …

The same way some masochist would…

Same as…

"I got it!"

"Eh?" — Aqua and Darkness flinched due to my rambunctious eureka moment.

"Darkness, I believe you."

"You do?" — both women looked at me, more confused than ever.

"Yes, I finally understand what's going on. That…" — I pointed a finger at her 'empty' hand — "…whatever you're holding. That's yours!"

"M-Mine?" — she brought her palm to eye level, as to better grasp the notion — "You're saying this creature belongs to me? Like a familiar of some sort?"

"Yes… or rather that _came_ from you! Because you were hit by the arrow!" — I concluded — "Vanir's hunch was right! That's got to be the _Great Power_ the poster spoke of, I'm positive!"

"That sounds a bit farfetched, Kazuma." — true, but there was one sure fire way to confirm it.

"Check your Adventurer's Card! See if anything differs from before!"

Still somewhat skeptical of my deduction, Darkness took her certificate out and perused its contents.

"I don't see any-" — and sure enough — "Wait, what is this? This ability? It wasn't listed here before."

"Let me see." — naturally curious, Aqua and I moved to her side, looking over the document.

The last indexed ability stood out not only because of its lengthy content and placement on the card, but also from its bizarrely stylized title.

»==================================«

 _ **Stand:**_ ｢ _Lovers_ ｣

»==================================«

"What is this… _Stand_? And... ｢ _Lovers_ ｣? Is it the name of the creature I see?"

It had to be, judging by the way the information was presented. Below the heading there was some kind of stat distribution chart, similar to those I had seen countless times playing video games. It displayed various parameters such as Destructive Power, Speed, Range, Durability, Precision and Developmental Potential, each ranked from E up to A.

"Keep scrolling down, there's more info."

»==================================«

 **Enhanced Pain Reciprocation:** This _Stand_ 's primary ability consists in it entering a target's brain, usually via the ear, and from there latch onto its pain receptors, increasing their sensitivity several times over. Whatever pain, be it physical or not, the _Stand_ User experiences will be transmitted through ｢ _Lovers_ ｣ directly onto the victim, who will also feel it as their own, though amplified.

»==================================«

 _My God_ … it was perfect.

An ability to hurt your opponent by letting him hurt you. If there was ever a more ideal, fit-like-a-glove skill for a complete masochist that couldn't hit a target if her life depended on it, that would be it. But, more importantly…

"This explains it!" — though there were other listed abilities, that one alone provided all the explanation I required.

"Explains it?"

"Yes, everything! What happened to me! Or should I say…" — my piercing gaze met Darkness' oblivious stare — "…what _you_ did to me!"

"What… I did?"

"What are you talking about, Kazuma?"

"Just think about it! It all comes together!" — I expounded on my rationale — "I shot Darkness with the arrow, and she gains ｢ _Lovers_ ｣ as a result. Then, probably when she placed her hand on my shoulder, ｢ _Lovers_ ｣ must've gotten on me and climbed into my ear, like the card mentions. And after that… well, we all know what transpired."

"Were I able to expunge traumatic event for my memory." — Aqua bemoaned — "But why bring that up, now of all times?"

"Don't you see!? I only started acting weird when Darkness started concocting those f'd up fantasies about what the arrow would do to her! While ｢ _Lovers_ ｣ was inside my head, messing up my brain with its ability! Are you beginning to get it now!?"

I shook the slow-witted Goddess by the shoulders, with a fury matched only by my tone of voice.

"To a misery junkie like her, **pain** and _~pleasure~_ are wholly interchangeable, so ｢ _Lovers_ ｣ winds up amplifying both! 'Be it physical or not'! Which means… _which means_ …"

A cold shiver ran down my spine as the realization sank in.

…

" _Darkness' mind raped me._ "

…

The ludicrousness, the heinousness, the sheer literalness of the perpetrated act ran me over like a bullet train. My inner self had been thoroughly defiled, soiled, and no cold shower, in this world or mine, would be able to wash it off. I longed for nothing more than to crawl to a dark corner, assume fetal position, and lull myself till sweet death's embrace.

"K-Kazuma…" — the first two were easy to accomplish. The third would take a while longer to come, I imagined.

"You poor, woeful soul." — even Aqua, who had felt nothing but revulsion till a moment prior, took pity on me in light of this revelation — "I can only imagine the horror you must've gone through. I'm should know better than to judge you the way I did. I should've known something was up…"

"It's okay… I forgive you…"

Even she could comprehend the grief I was experiencing, embracing me in a rocking hug while gently petting my head in an attempt to comfort me.

"K-Kazuma… if I could do anything to…" — she definitely could.

"Go away, you masochistic rapist."

"D-Don't call me that… P-P-Please, I didn't know about any of this… I swear, on my honor as a knight, if ｢ _Lovers_ ｣ did this to you, it did not act on my own volition…" — she fidgeted, alleging her innocence.

"Your honor has as much value to me as a PG-rated porno. Get lost." — but I was in no state to care one bit for her excuses.

"Please, Kazuma, if I somehow hold responsibility for what happened to you then… then at least allow me make amends." — she beseeched me with all her gallant pomp — "If you believe yourself entitled to punish me-"

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" — her lack of self-awareness astounded me — "To demand a reward from your victim, after forcing yourself onto me. Same as an abusive husband telling his roughed-up wife to go cook him a delicious dinner. Some gall you have."

"That's not-!"

"Oh, shut up!" — to the point my patience ran dry — "Don't you get it yet!? That's why it's called 'Lovers' in the first place! It's because you and **pain** are in love! And, with that thing, you can now make other people fall in love with it too! That's what you wanted, right!? Mind-break me till I became a slobbering slave to your **pain** -boner!"

The whole situation read like something out of a really mental S&M doujinshi.

"No! I would never-!"

"Don't you try to deny it, you perverted knight! Your _Stand_ is the very image of your soul!" — it hit me then — "Your _Stand_ …"

"M-My _Stand_ …?"

"What the quest poster said: ' _Take a Stand for Yourself_ '…" — with the grace of a bludgeon to the back of the head — "It's a goddamn pun! Take a _Stand_ for yourself, that's what it meant, word-for-word. That's what ｢ _Lovers_ ｣ is. That's what the Arrow does. That's what we were promised by _Great Power_."

"And that would make the Arrow the _Instrument of Legend_." — instrument, not a weapon. The wording itself was a clue to its actual application, as Vanir had surmised — "One that can give a person these… _Stands_?"

"Yes, and the fact that ｢ _Lovers_ ｣ is even classified as a _Stand_ to begin with presupposes that there are more of them. So the Arrow may not be a onetime deal either. Speaking of which. Where did you stash it, and the Bow?" — I asked the two.

"I… may have thrown them in the thrash, right after dumping you in the bath. Eh, eh…" — Aqua admitted, rubbing the back of her scalp — "Should I…?"

"Yes, you should go fetch it back. ASAP!"

"I'm going… I'm going…"

On the double, the Arch Priest skipped out of the room with a gait, leaving me and my assailant all by ourselves.

"What?" — who could not help but to eyeball me with needy eyes — "Now that we're alone, you're planning on going for seconds? You're insatiable…"

" _NO! ! ! !_ A-Absolutely not! I'd never do such a thing again! N-N-Not that did it on purpose to begin with, I just…!" — Darkness recoiled, appalled by my proposition. Granted, I knew well she wouldn't ( _not voluntarily in any case_ ), but by this point teasing her was the only outlet left for me to vent — "I was just wondering… why am I the only one who can see ｢ _Lovers_ ｣?"

"Maybe a _Stand_ can only be perceived by its own User. Or perhaps it's a more broad rule, that one would need to be a _Stand_ User to notice a _Stand_." — I hypothesized — "Either way, I plan to find out."

"How are you-?" — the crusader was about to question when she was cut off by a returning Aqua, Bow and Arrow in tow.

"Here they are."

"Gimme that!" — who could've at least gone to the trouble of dusting them off after picking them out of the trash.

"What're you going to do with them anyway?" — she inquired.

"Why, conduct further research of course." — I informed.

"What, you're going to shoot Darkness again?" — our healer supposed, much to the other woman's contained anticipation.

"No." — which gave away to mild disappointment.

"No?"

"No. My gamer instincts tell me of three possible outcomes should Darkness be pierced by the Arrow a second time." — I went to enumerate them — "Number one: she receives a second _Stand_. Number two: her current _Stand_ grows stronger. Number three: she dies from some manner of power overload or limiting mechanism embed in the Arrow. Each is an equally bad end-result in my book, with little in terms of deepening our knowledge on _Stands_ and the Arrow."

"Oh, I see! So what we need to do is grant someone else a _Stand_!" — fist hitting her palm, Aqua correctly deduced my plan — "But who are we going-?"

It was by this point the blue-haired Goddess realized she had committed a grave mistake by handing the Bow and Arrow over to me. And even if process of elimination hadn't clued her in, my grinning eyes undoubtedly told her of my intent.

"N-Now, now Kazuma. I… I may have said certain, dreadful things about you, true, but… but you already forgave me for them. Water under the bridge, am I right?"

She backed away slowly, as I placed the Arrow on the Bow...

"A-A-A-And it's not like I meant any of it. Honest! I was just blowing steam after that quest… and that little accident you had…"

…pulled the string…

"B-B-Besides, people talk behind each other's back all the time… so it's not like I'm the only one doing it! I'm sure you're used to it by now…"

…took aim...

"Being called things like sick freak… or grotesque degenerate… or gutter trash… or utter filth even a sewer rat-"

" _Snipe!_ "

"Kah!"

…and right in the kisser the Arrow went, straight through the back of her infernal trap. My cue for her to keep it shut next time.

"Kah!-kah!-zhu!-ma!-ma!-ma!"

Owing to her divine nature in all likelihood, she did not pass out from the pain or the Arrow's side effects. It was especially impressive that she could even speak considering where the latter landed.

"Go!-go!-wa!-k!-k!-kwill!-you!-u!-u!" — she threatened while tottering backwards and into a wall, arms flailing about all the way.

Awkwardly grabbing a hold of the Arrow's shaft with her squirming fingers, she ejected the foreign object out of her mouth with a clumsy jerk, much as she had done for Darkness. Akin pulling the cork from a wine barrel, the contents of her stomach then began pouring onto to floor in a steady stream of rainbow-colored vomit…

Soon turning into a veritable fire hose of translucent puke green, causing her blue-covered head to bob, that kept pouring and pouring… and pouring… and pouring…

And pouring…

And pouring…

Like an overly long gag…

And pouring…

By the time the tap was finally turned off, a considerable, bile-colored, semi-gelatinous puddle had formed in front of her, absorbing the previously expelled prismatic liquid.

"Aqua… are you alright?" — a confounded crusader asked.

A pointless question really. Huddled over after regurgitating more fluids that could possibly exist in her body ( _water deity or not_ ), a deluge tears rolling down her redden cheeks from her quivering pupils, limbs palsied from shock and exertion… Anyone with a functioning pair of eyes could see she wasn't.

If she somehow was, that certainly changed when the green slime came to life and lunged at her.

" _KYYAAAHHHH! ! ! !_ "

Enveloping first her feet, then spreading up her legs, despite the desperate struggle Aqua was putting on to disentangle herself and stop its steady climb up her body.

"Hold on… so is that green blob suppose to be Aqua's _Stand_?"

("This thing is alive! Get it off me! Someone! Get it off me!")

"It think it might be. I see it surrounded by an aura similar to that of ｢ _Lovers_ ｣."

("My legs! It's trying to devour my legs! It's trying to devour me! Help! _Help_!")

"That's odd. Shouldn't I be unable to see it, if that's the case?"

("No! It's all around my waist! It's groping me! I'm being molested by icky-icky slime! Gross! Gross!")

"Maybe it's a different type of _Stand_ than mine. One that can be perceived by anyone."

("My magic doesn't work on it! I can't move my arms! It's all over my chest! It keeps sucking me in! I'm being swallowed whole!")

"Could be. Just from ｢ _Lovers_ ｣ alone, we cannot conclude which of its properties are universal to all _Stands_ yet."

("Why isn't anyone helping me!? Are you two just going to stand there and let me be fed to this thing!?")

"You're right, there's still much to learn about these strange entities."

"Kazuma! Darkness! I'm being eaten alive, you bastards! _HEEELLLL-*glug* *glug*_ "

"Goddess! I'm coming Aqua, hold on!" — Darkness, realizing that the background noise to our discussion was in fact Aqua's pleas, rushed to her aid just as she was fully engulfed by the green goo.

I, however, continued to be more interested in blob-like _Stand_ itself, presently crawling up the wall akin a slug, dragging a submerged Aqua along. With a swift application of _Steal_ , I procured her Adventurer's Card and, wouldn't you know it, browsing through the latter revealed…

»==================================«

 _ **Stand:**_ ｢ _Yellow Temperance_ ｣

»==================================«

" _Yellow_? Damn thing is clearly green..." — was it because Aqua+Yellow=Green?

…

No, that would be just plain stupid.

»==================================«

 **Mimicry:** While fully amorphous,｢ _Yellow Temperance_ ｣ is able to assume the appearance of any object, provided that it can be properly visualized by the User. This includes human skin, hair and even clothes, effectively allowing its User to mimic the appearance of another person at will.

»==================================«

An incredibly handy ability to have, for sure… were it not for the fact that one would've to wrap themselves in, what at a glance appeared to be, congealed sewer water. Not the most enticing of prospects.

»==================================«

 **Physical Imperviousness:** By itself,｢ _Yellow Temperance_ ｣ is physically indestructible, capable of withstanding any manner of physical damage done to its mass. Though it may be broken and scattered by a sufficiently powerful force, its pieces can quickly coalesce and regain form. For all intents and purposes, the _Stand_ is invincible so long as its User remains safe from harm.

»==================================«

"Let… let go of Aqua you fiend!" — which went to explain why the crusader was being unsuccessful in her attempts to free its User from its viscous casing.

It 'eating' Aqua was likely a instinctive response to sensing her distress ( _not knowing it itself was the cause_ ), an automatic reaction to keep her from harm's way. Same as clinging to the ceiling's corner, perhaps mistaking Darkness' intentions for those of an assailant.

»==================================«

 **Mass Assimilation:** ｢ _Yellow Temperance_ ｣ has the ability to consume any matter it envelops, though it has a harder time dissolving non-organic substances. Upon digesting the captured mass, the _Stand_ then assimilates it unto itself to grow larger and stronger.

»==================================«

So, to recap: shape-shifting, invulnerability and matter absorption. Good God, Aqua's _Stand_ was a goddamn horror movie monster. (This was Hans all over again.) Not to mention, outright broken.

Figures that, with her being a member of the divine and all, she would be granted an OP _Stand_ to match, much like Darkness' was a mirror of her inner masochism. But for a useless Goddess like her to possess each of those game-breaking abilities, let alone the of three of them…

Someone who let herself be cast down onto this land by a 'lowlife' such as myself abusing a loophole. Someone whose junior was far more worshipped and colloquially deemed of higher standing than her by its denizens. Someone who, I could never come to accept, had once held any degree of importance in the grand scheme of things.

" _It's not fair!_ "

It goes without saying, I was as envious as Aqua's ｢ _Yellow Temperance_ ｣ was green, despite how absurd that comparison sounded on paper. I could not let such slight of the fates go unanswered. I owed it to my self-esteem to procure an ability of equal caliber, to obtain this _Great Power_ as well. To ( _much as I loathed that pun_ ) take a _Stand_ for myself…

…and so I would.

As the commotion created by Aqua and Darkness carried on in the backdrop, I grabbed the Arrow the former had dropped on the floor. Gazing its glossy tip, I knew what it had to be done…

Still, my grip began to tremble the more I thought about it. Stabbing oneself was not an action that came easy, not a natural impulse for one to have outside of the suicidal and masochists, of which I was neither ( _though sometimes my choice of companions made me question it_ ). Nonetheless, steeling my resolve, I pulled my shirt up, holding it with my teeth, and brought the arrowhead close to my exposed gut. Now, it was all a matter of…

 _*gulp*_

Thrusting it inside… into my belly…

In a single, sweeping motion…

Much like some of my ancestors probably did this over the eras…

So… Surely… I could do it to…

Yes… I just had to…

Tap into my proud and storied Japanese heritage…

Yes…

Closing my eyes, I held the Arrow vertically with both hands…

" _Tennōheika…_ "

And then brought it down in an arch, full force…

"… _BANZAI! ! ! !_ "

…only to then realize this would've most likely worked on any, less pain-inducing body part.

 _"Ah, Fu-!"_

* * *

 **KO-NO-**

 **—** **[PAUSE]** **—**

* * *

…

…

…

"Eh…?"

…

"Where…?"

…

"Where am I?"

…

"Did… Did it work? Why am I in a black room, sitting on a chair and-? Oh no…"

"Welcome back, Kazuma."

" _NO-NO-NO-NO! ! ! !_ "

"I understand it might be difficult for you to-"

" _SONUVABITCH! ! ! !_ What the hell am I doing back in this place!?"

"Kazuma please, if I may-"

"Did I… Did I die!? Did I actually die!? Again!? Because I somehow manage to botch the whole thing and… and… and I killed myself with the Arrow!? _What the hell_!?"

"If you just-"

"What kinda BS is this!? For crying out loud, I shot both Aqua and Darkness in the freaking neck, and none of them died! That useless Goddess didn't even faint!"

"Kazuma-"

"Granted, I know I'm a goddamn moron for stabbing myself in the gut, when I could've easily done it with my hand or some other appendage, but still-!"

"Kazuma, please listen to me! We don't have much time!"

"…s-s-sorry, Lady Eris."

"There's no need for you to be troubled. As we speak, Aqua-senpai is casting _Resurrection_ on you, so I believe it shouldn't be long before you are sent back. Which is why I must be as brief as possible."

"Well… I guess that's a relief. But, what do you mean 'as brief as possible'? You need to talk to me?"

"Yes. It concerns the… item you procured."

"We procured? Oh, you mean the Bow and Arrow."

"Yes. Kazuma, the object you found is an exceedingly dangerous artifact."

"Yeah, no kidding. I'm currently dead because of that accursed thing."

"It isn't just because of that. Kazuma… you _shouldn't_ have died."

"I know, right!?"

"No, you don't. Not in the way you are thinking. The fact that you stand before me defies all of our premises."

"What does that suppose to mean?"

"You see… Your deaths so far have been foretold. One only had to read the fates to see what path they'd would lead you. The first time you were here, we saw it well before it happened. The hunger that'd make you step outside your room, the girl that'd cross the street, the tractor that'd come down the road, your weary state that'd lead you to misinterpret the danger and jumping in front of it to 'save' her, your poor physical condition that'd cause the subsequent shock that killed you…"

"Yeah, yeah... thanks for reminding me."

"Pardon. What I'm trying to say is that, to you, it was a rotten roll of the dices. But for us, it wasn't chance. We could gauge all the variables that would influence said roll, so to say, and calculate which combination would come up well beforehand."

"In short, you saw it, and the others after, coming a mile away."

"Correct."

"So how is it different this time around?"

"Because none of us can understand your death, Kazuma. We could not predict the dice. And had you survived, we wouldn't have understood it either. To be more specific, neither me or the others can make sense of the object that killed you. It remains an incomprehensible unknown."

"'Me and the others'… you mean the other Gods? Wait… does this have anything to do with that rumor Vanir told me about? The arcane artifact the Devil King is searching for, that 'even the Gods themselves feared'?"

"I would not describe my peers' as fear. They mostly see it as more of an enigma, a curious interference in the natural order they maintain. I, myself, see it different. I am indeed afraid, as you say."

"So… that part was true!? And that artifact is the Bow and Arrow!? Holy crap!"

"It is. And I see it's already too late to stop you from acquiring its power."

"You mean _Stands_? I don't suppose you know what they are exactly."

"No. They are the same as the Arrow. Their very existence defies all conventions, the very logic set for this world."

"Since when does this world has any logic to it?"

"I'm serious, Kazuma! The Bow and Arrow, the power it confers, _Stands_. Nothing about them… _belongs_."

"To this world?"

"Yes… this _and_ yours. Much like your present death, what Darkness did to you should be outright impossible to realize, in either of them. With a spell, a charm or an enchanted item, perhaps. But she used neither of those methods, nor any that we know of that could produce a similar result."

"Y-You saw that?"

"…yes."

"…"

"…"

"So… what should I do next?"

"It is unfortunate that I could not warn you of it before you went and misused its power. I can only ask that you thread with extreme caution from now on. The existence of _Stands_ and the Arrow must be withheld from common knowledge, and the latter must be kept hidden and locked away as to not risk it falling into wayward hands. The Devil King's above all else. Untold catastrophes may come to pass if such a malicious force were to acquire its powers, ones that even us Gods cannot confer protection from. I would even advise you to destroy the Arrow, yet I know not what risks such action entails."

"Sure… I'll try to do my best, Lady Eris. God knows how much I already suffered at the hands of one of those _Stands_."

"Thank you, Kazuma… Ha, it seems our time is coming to an end."

"Hey, hey! Wait! I still need to know more! What about those weirdoes guarding the mask!? And the other fruitcakes fighting them!? And that Nazi cyborg!? Hey!"

"Promise me, Kazuma. Do not take such power lightly. I'll keep doing my best to look after you and your friends."

"Lady Eris-!"

* * *

 **—** **[PAUSE]** **—**

 **-SU** **-BA**

* * *

ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ

"Kazuma…?"

For ( _what must have been_ ) the third time that day, I was roused from the deep reaches of slumber, this time not by some random rooster or a cold shower but rather a voice calling my name, mixed with a hurried set of approaching footsteps.

"Lady Eris…"

"Oh, thank the Goddess! He's coming to!" — that same voice expressed with patent relief.

"Thank me… About time that lazy, good-for-nothing finally woke up." — added another, jaded with sarcastic annoyance.

"Wait, Lady Eris! I…! I…"

A blurry tuft of blonde hair hovering above me was the first thing I was able to register when my eyelids began to open. The second being the soft, but rather cramped, surface my body was lying stretched out on.

"D-Darkness…? Where…?"

"Welcome back. Don't' worry, we're still in the mansion. You never left… well, your body did not, in any case." — the crusader corrected herself — "You got us worried for a moment there."

"Yes… Your continued well-being got us quite preoccupied for a while." — commented the other ( _more acerbic_ ) voice, which had to be Aqua's.

"So I'm back from the dead, uh? No wonder I feel like crap…" — the human psyche was simply not meant to experience its own repeated demise.

"Aye. You almost met the maker for good, if it weren't for Aqua casting _Resurrection_." — it spoke poorly of my survivability that I had come to rely one too many times on that useless Goddess' spell as a crutch, much to my chagrin.

"You're welcome…" — said deity grumbled from somewhere in the room.

"Thanks… I guess."

"Kazuma, you shouldn't be taking this manner lightly." — Darkness chided as I rubbed the last vestiges of sleep from my eyes — "What in Eris' name were you thinking? What compelled you to stab yourself with the Arrow like that?"

"Hey, it's not like I expected it to kill me. I mean, you two got punctured right in the neck and came out more or less alright. So, I figured, how much could it really hurt?" — I argued, pulling myself upright on what I surmised as the common room sofa — "And, while I was at it, why not try and get myself a _St-t-t-t-t-t-t-_?"

ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ

For my entire thought process to then come to a screeching halt, my gaze transfixed on the black alien monstrosity sliding down my nose, its silver-fanged mouth and pincer claws coming into full, up-close view…

" _GAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! ! ! !_ "

…to then jumpstart again, dissipating all semblance of drowsiness left, mind and body leaping a good couple meters into the air, the latter causing the sofa I had been resting on to tip over to the side.

"Kazuma, what's wrong!?"

"W-W-W-W-W-W-What the h-hell is this t-t-t-thing!?" — I stuttered ass on the floor, pointing at the creature still perched atop my nose, despite the nasty tumble I took.

"That…" — and despite my frenetic attempts to swat it away — "You can see ｢ _Lovers_ ｣ now?"

"T-T-T-That's ｢ _Lovers_ ｣!? T-That's your _Stand_!?"

While her early description was relatively on point, Darkness' words simply did not do its utter monstrous look justice now that I was able to behold it for myself.

A skeletal, almost biomechanical, humanoid insect covered entirely in glossy black chitin, its most noticeable feature being its cylindrical head that lacked any sort of eyes. A nightmarish creature to match the deepest recesses of its User's mind, and that was before even taking into account the menacing black aura shrouding it. An 'aberrant, malign aura reeking of foul intent' indeed.

"Is its appearance that peculiar to you?"

"You could say that, yeah!" — I squawked, also in part due to the fact she had let that critter roam around my face while I slept apparently — "Tell this thing to get off me! It's creeping me out!"

"Fret not. Despite their… less than pleasant appearance, I can assure you that they're quite harmless." — yes, silly me. A creature capable of broadcasting and magnifying that masochist's thoughts directly onto someone else's brain.

ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ

 _Harmless_.

"Here…" — crouching in front of me, she gently picked up ｢ _Lovers_ ｣ from my nose, and placed it in her other palm for me to look at — "See?"

Oh, I was seeing it alright… but not the one she was holding in her hand.

"Why are there two… three, _three_ of them!?" — I directed the crusader's attention to the duo that had popped up in her shoulder pauldron — "I thought you said 'bug creature', singular."

"Ah yes, you see... According to my Adventurer's Card, ｢ _Lovers_ ｣ can apparently replicate itself by using dead tissue it finds while within a person's body." — because that thing wasn't nearly nightmare-inducing enough without knowing it was made of human organic waste.

"And you let it!?" — oh, and that tiny, teensy detail that it could also _multiply_ — "One of them is dangerous enough as it is, or need I remind you what it did to me!?"

"I'm sorry… It seems no matter how much I try, I'm unable to command their actions, if such is even possible." — so she couldn't exert control over her mind-raping _Stand_ , no less than she could control her masochistic urges.

"Oh, this keeps getting better and better." — guess it was fitting, in a way.

But, as my mind began to calm down after the ( _too_ ) close encounter with Darkness' _Stand_ , I began to process what spotting it really entailed. If I could now see ｢ _Lovers_ ｣… and if one needed to be a _Stand_ User to notice a _Stand_ , as I presumed…

Then, would that mean…?

Had it worked despite it all…?

Hopping to my feet, I took my Adventurer's Card from my back pocket and brought it to my face. And, just like Darkness' and Aqua's…

"I… I did it."

ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ

The Arrow had done its job, my death had not been in vain.

"I did it! I have a _Stand_!" — I cried out to the Heavens in pure joy.

I had acquired the _Great Power_. It was mine. Mine. _Mine_.

My very own _Stand_ …

My _Luck_ had seen me through after all…

I pranced around the common room in joyous revelry, cackling like a merry maniac. Every misfortune that had been plaguing me since accepting that hellish quest: the strippers, the oil, the night terrors, the Arrow, the mind-rape, the accident, the accidental death… _puff_ , all gone. Such was my reverie, that I ended up grabbing Darkness' hands and dragging the bewildered crusader around in celebration.

"Wait… Kazuma… did the… Arrow work… even though… you died?" — she asked, whilst locked in a twirling dance with me.

" _YES! ! ! !_ " — I exclaimed with delight — "Isn't it wonderful!?"

Truly, for once, I had been blessed.

ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ

"Congratulations." — a pungent quip broke through my trance — "Hope you were as fortunate as I was…"

"Aqua?" — I had forgotten she was there too — "Where…?"

I spotted the Arch Priest huddling in the corner by the fireplace, hugging her knees tightly, not unlike myself after realizing what ｢ _Lovers_ ｣ had done to me. She had been crying… a lot, given how there were trench marks running down her cheeks beneath her eyes. Her whole body trembled as if she had the shivers, causing the multiple small specks of green goo plastered all over her body to wiggle, each emanating a faint bluish aura ( _much like her hair_ ).

"Hey there, Aqua." — I tepidly greeted — "Guess I owe you one for bringing me back to life and all. Thanks."

"Don't mention it." — she smiled, if one could call that a deadpan contortion of the mouth's corners a smile — "It's not like I could let you die before I got to _~kill you myself~_."

ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ

"Yeah, about that… You seem awfully calm." — as in, before-the-storm calm — "I thought for sure you'd be madder."

"Oh, I am. Unbelievably so. My mind positively _~swirls~_ with ideas concerning the divine, excruciating reckoning that will sure befall a miserable reprobate such as you." — hers was a tranquil tone, saturated with a searing fury — "Alas, it seems whenever my emotions get too flared up that revolting sludge starts oozing out. _From. All. Over. Me_. So, _~luckily for you~_ , my aversion to that loathsome mud outweighs the throbbing contempt I've for you at the present moment."

"You mean ｢ _Yellow Temperance_ ｣?"

"What kind of stupid name is that? This… putrid slime is clearly green."

"Hey, it wasn't my idea. It was written on your Adventurer's Card." — though, really, we should count ourselves lucky that a great deal of information about our _Stands_ was spelled out for us, saving us the trouble of figuring it out ourselves.

"What kind of blind moron named it then? Hell, who created these _Stands_ , in the first place? Or the Bow and Arrow for that matter? Where do they come from?" — 'twas an enigma even to the other Gods, going by what Lady Eris relayed during our conversation.

Those exhibitionist vampires would be anyone's first guess but, the further I deliberated on the topic, the further they did not strike me as their creators, merely guardians for the Bow and Arrow.

"Beats me." — I'm sure we'd run into something, eventually. These sort of mysteries had a way to solve themselves — "But speaking of _Stands_. Where did the rest of yours go? Last I remember, ｢ _Yellow Temperance_ ｣ had you encased and was dangling from the ceiling. How were you able to even cast _Resurrection_ on me?"

"When Aqua and I noticed you keeled over on the floor, ｢ _Yellow Temperance_ ｣ rapidly shrunk in size, as if it had retreated back to her body, thus freeing her." — Darkness related in her stead — "Regrettably, due to my distracted state, I was unable to do anything to break her fall."

"Aw shucks, thanks Aqua! It warms my heart to see that you _do_ care for me, even after all I did…" — I voiced my ( _sincere_ ) gratitude, doing my best to suppress my laughter after figuring out why she had that nasty bump on her head.

ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ

Though by far the most hilarious part about it, was that a large concentration of green goo was suckling on said bump, much like a mother giving a protracted boo-boo kiss.

"Quiet you. You… because of you. That loathsome grime… I can feel it wriggling, soiling my pristine body, turning it into a cesspool from the inside. Underneath my beautiful shell there's nothing but a filthy swamp now." — great, now she had a body to match her personality — "Filthy. Filthy. Filthy. _Filthy_ …"

"Come on now, I'm sure it's not that bad…"

"I said be quiet!" — ｢ _Yellow Temperance_ ｣'s specks grew in size as she shouted, only to deflate as she forcibly calmed herself down — "Don't… don't make me raise my voice further. Rather, start thinking of a way to reverse the Arrow's effects, to get us rid of these things. These past few days have been one ignominy after another, entirely of your fault… all because of that stupid quest you forced us to take."

"Are you kidding me!? Why would I want to do that!? After accidently committing seppuku to obtain one, I'm sure as hell going to keep mine! Heck, I say gaining a _Stand_ goes a long way to recoup what we lost in that kink dungeon!" — I lambasted her idiotic proposition — "Speaking of which… Where is mine anyway? Shouldn't it have come out by now?"

"Maybe yours requires you to summon it, Kazuma?" — if Aqua's had 'retreated back to her body', that could well be a possibility.

"Anyone of you happen to know how to draw a _Stand_ out?"

"Not really. From what I can attest, I don't think it's even possible for me to withdraw ｢ _Lovers_ ｣."

"Aqua?"

" _~Go die again~._ "

Welp, no help there.

ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ

Yet, going by what she said, that ｢ _Yellow Temperance_ ｣ coalesced whenever she got riled up… Following that logic, perhaps I had to do the same, rouse my emotions to summon my _Stand_. So, with that in mind, I closed my eyes and peered inside myself…

Searching…

Searching…

 _There!_

"I can feel it…"

Yes… There was a strangeness lurking within… Waiting to be unearthed… A bizarre power coursing through me…

Darkness mentioned that she felt her very core had been rewritten by the Arrow… That there was an alien feeling coursing through her… It was exactly as she had described…

If I just focused on it… Focus… Focus…

" _Focus_ …"

ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ

I felt my right arm crackling with energy… building up to the brim… begging to be released…

"Now! Come forth! My _Stand_...!"

…so I obliged it, jabbing the air in front of me.

" **｢ _Hermit Purple_ ｣! ! ! !**"

…

…

…

…

Well…?

…

…

Had anything gone awry?

The first few seconds after went by uneventful, though I was sure I had succeeded in calling my _Stand_. Beyond the sparking sound it had created, something about my right arm _had_ changed, I could sense. Yet it was the reaction, or in this case the complete lack thereof, from my two companions that I was finding the strangest.

No comments, no gasps, nay a sliver of air… no response whatsoever. Dead silence…

ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ

…save for a low, distant rumble that is.

An homogeneous blend of unadulterated nausea and stone cold horror, peppered with a smidgen of exhilaration in Darkness' case, was the aphasic reaction I received when I finally opened my eyes.

"…dirty…"

"… _~vulgar~_ …"

"…perverse…"

"… _~lecherous~_ …"

"…repugnant…"

"… _~phallic~_ …"

"…slimy…"

"… _~smooth~_ …"

"…elongated…"

"… _~rubbery~_ …"

"…throbbing…"

"… _~corrupting~_ …"

"…writhing…"

"… _~flagellating~_ …"

"…creeping…"

"… _~debasing~_ …"

"…desecrating…"

"… _~subjugating~_ …"

"…absolutely disgusting…"

"… _~purple~_ …"

I would say their choice of adjectives veered on the hyperbolic but… no, it didn't.

My right arm was wrapped in a purple mass of what I myself could only describe as 100% authentic Hentai tentacles.

ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ

The likes of which I had spent countless hours of my life callously murdering untold numbers of my potential offspring to, watching them in action.

"Well… this wasn't… exactly what I was expecting." — perhaps that's why these were curled around the guilty limb.

"I beg to differ. This is _precisely_ what anyone should've expected from a complete social pariah like yourself, Kazuma. My non-existent hat's off to you." — much as I wanted to answer back, I had nothing on Aqua's remark.

"So that is your _~Stand~_ , Kazuma? 'The very image of your _~soul~_ ', as you mentioned?" — an observation that now reflected rather poorly on me, I felt ( _as my big mouth came back to bite me_ ) — "How verily _~obscene~_ … What _~profane~_ ideas occupy your mind concerning uses for those many, _~many feelers~_ I wonder?"

"Nothing involving you, rest assured." — I swiftly threw buck of cold water to cool her off — "God forbid, I end up triggering your ｢ _Lovers_ ｣ again."

"My ｢ _Lovers_ ｣… your ｢ _Hermit Purple_ ｣… and Aqua's ｢ _Yellow Temperance_ ｣. I sense some form of pattern in their nomenclature." — the crusader noted.

"You're right. Those are tarot cards, if I'm not mistaken. I remember it from when my Mother was super into divination." — before quitting after her predictions that her son would make something of himself 'all turned out to be lies' — "But do the names themselves connote at anything?"

"Naturally. Mine is 'Temperance' because it denotes my persona to perfection: an ocean of tranquility, in which all creatures may find an inner peace within themselves and a harmonious co-existence with those around them, no matter how opposite." — par for the course, Aqua's interpretation was nothing but an exercise in ego stroking.

"And 'Yellow' is the color of lies, denoting the very falsehood in what you just said. How fitting for a duplicitous Goddess, an egocentric show off to the point her _Stand_ is visible even to non-Users. You'd think a water deity would receive a _Stand_ made of actual water, rather than that boggy blob. Perhaps its thickness is meant to be representative of your skull." — for someone so wholly repelled by her own _Stand_ , this much should be readily obvious without having it spelled out for her.

"Ah! Should we talk about yours then, Kazuma? When you think about it, its name is more than appropriate. For what is a shut-in NEET but a modern-day 'Hermit'? As for 'Purple'… well, I wouldn't be _that_ surprised if you were also into that auto-erotic asphyxiation business. Those perv tentacles certainly seem they could be used in lieu of rope."

Despite her lackluster _Intelligence_ , I kept forgetting how shrewd she could be every now ( _of all times_ ) and then.

"In fact, everything about that _Stand_ seems to substantiate the fact you're a hopeless virgin. One whose only chance of escape lies in forcing yourself onto a member of the opposite sex with those lewd tendrils, imitating those smut cartoons misanthropes such as yourself desperately cling to for escapism. Likely as to compensate for some _other appendage_ you're sorely lacking in…"

ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ

Not to mention gratuitously vicious. Temperance incarnate my ass.

"W-Whatever… it's not like names or appearances are everything." — again left without much in terms of a comeback, I opted to divert the conversation elsewhere — "Let's see…"

Maintaining a positive outlook despite the setbacks, I turned once more to my Adventurer's Card, hoping my _Stand_ 's inherent ability would make up for its image.

»==================================«

 _ **Stand:**_ ｢ _Hermit Purple_ ｣

»==================================«

 **Remote Viewing:** ｢ _Hermit Purple_ ｣ provides its User with the ability to gather information, in real-time, on any desired object, person, location or event through clairvoyance. This data can be visual or auditory, among others, which is subsequently materialized into a physical format for the User to digest, such as a photograph, audio tape or video.

…

»==================================«

And. By. God…

ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ

 _Did it ever_ …

Despite the poor first impression ( _and the rather crappy stats_ ), my _Luck_ had stayed true to me. Though it wasn't an overtly broken ability like any of Aqua's, per say, its applications were limitless with the right mindset. And if the people of this world thought of me as Kazumatrash, Kazuma the Brute, utter filth even a sewer rat would be repelled by before… _oh child!_

 _The possibilities…_

The floodgates… _no_ , the whole dam burst open, spewing out all the blackest contents it was holding back. Those that I had to contain within myself as to function as a respectable, healthy member of civil society. To preserve the veneer of a decent human being…

But now…

If _Stands_ were indeed a mirror into the User's soul… what if mine happened to be rotten to the core!? Why should I care that my _Stand_ , along with the face I was most likely making at the time, confirmed every negative supposition Aqua and Darkness had of me!? Why should I give a damn!? What could the two of them do to me now!?

What could _anyone_ do to me now!?

Now, that I could peer into their most intimate moments with impunity. When their closest held secrets were within my grasp, ready to be fully exposed. For my own viewing pleasure… for anyone else's, given the right price. The amount of compromising material I could gather… the fortune I could make from blackmail alone… the favors I could collect… from the lowest peasant to the highest noble… Nobody could touch me!

'People often amaze even themselves', eh Aqua? Oh, I'd amaze them alright…

I'd be an octopus, spreading its many legs over this land, casting a shadow over a world that could hold no more hidden truths from me. If that made me trash, then… then I'd become the most legendary of trash! The God of Trash! Better to rule in Hell, than to serve in Heaven, isn't that what they say!? Wasn't that the sole reason why I had come here!?

And this…

｢ _Hermit Purple_ ｣

A most fitting crown for the new King of this world's seedy underbelly. The ultimate tool with which to consummate every single one of my most immoral fantasies. Through which I could shed all pretense, cast aside all restraint, break the shackles society had imposed on me. All of it in palm of my tentacle-covered hand, this…

"~ _Freedom_ ~…"

 _My true destiny!_

ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ

"…wait, there's more?"

»==================================«

…

However, a suitable medium is required for the latter part, otherwise the User will be left unable to perceive the collected information. This being an item capable of processing data into that specific format, usually an electronic device such as a camera, a cassette player, or a television.

»==================================«

A television…

A cassette player…

A camera…

Electronic devices…

Items that didn't exist in this world… that even Vanir couldn't hope to replicate.

ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ

" _Muda_ …"

It was useless…

" _Muda_ …"

My hopes, my dreams… crushed in an instant by the inescapable epiphany.

" _Muda_ …"

I had ( _quite literally_ ) killed myself for an useless _Stand_.

" _MUDA! ! ! !_ "

The sheer, monumental disappointment of which I could only properly express by repeatedly banging my forehead against the wall.

" _MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA_ _MUDA_ _MUDA_ _MUDA_ _MUDA_ _MUDA_ _MUDA_ _MUDA_ _MUDA_ _MUDA_ _MUDA_ _MUDA_ _MUDA_ _MUDA_ _MUDA_ _MUDA_ _MUDA_ _MUDA_ _MUDA_ _MUDA_ _MUDA_ _MUDA_ _-! ! ! !"_

ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ

"Kazuma, please calm down!" — an alarmed Darkness physically restrained me, after failing to verbally deter me from making a deeper dent in the stone — "You're going to injure yourself if you continue-!"

" _WHRYYYYYYYYYYYYY! ? ! ?_ "

"Just let him, Darkness. A few, hard hits in that squalor-den he has for a head might just be what the healer ordered. Trust me, I'm one." — unlike a certain uncaring Goddess, who took pleasure in seeing me flounder in my own frustration.

"I don't think that will-"

"Why God, why!? Why did you have to blue-ball me like this!? Why did you have to throw a starving man a can of food, but no can opener!?" — that was by far the worst part.

ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ

The fact that my _Stand_ 's ability itself _wasn't_ useless.

It was that last cock-blocking paragraph, that giant middle finger from Fate itself, that left me unable to make use of the dozens of utilities I immediately thought of just by reading the Card. Every brilliant application my mind churned out, rendered worthless because of that single material constraint. Worse still, none of this would've even be an issue back in Japan, where I was constantly surrounded by the sort of devices I now found myself deeply missing.

"Maybe… if I were to die again… I could ask Lady Eris to be reincarnated back home." — with any luck ｢ _Hermit Purple_ ｣ would stick along.

ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ

"Who am I kidding? It wouldn't…"

"What a sad sight. A grown man wallowing in self-pity, like a pig in his own grime. It makes my poor, delicate heart break. Truly pathetic…" — as Darkness held my slump body, Aqua took the opportunity to kick me while I was down, like the venomous viper she was — "Well, whatever the cause of your little tantrum was, it most definitely serves you right."

"Shut up! Shut the hell up, you useless Goddess!" — but I wasn't about to take her vocal abuse lying down — "You're one to talk about throwing tantrums! How long are _you_ planning to sulk in that corner anyway!?"

"For as long as I feel like it. I reserve that right because, unlike some cretin I happen to know, I didn't stab myself with the Arrow. I didn't choose to have a _Stand_."

ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ

"At least you aren't stuck with a set of abilities you can't even make use of! You should be thankful for what you have, you ingrate! Not all of us are that lucky!"

"Lucky? Thankful? You expect me to show gratitude for this wretched thing? As if!"

"Everyone, please!" — Darkness tried to contain our escalating quarrel — "We've enough in our hands without you two at each other's throats. Now that Kazuma made sense of his _Stand_ , perhaps it's best to gather our thoughts. Let's retrace our steps. What have we learned so far?"

"That Kazuma is a sick, disturbed individual, willing to shoot his own allies in the back for the sake of an idiotic experiment?"

ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ

"T-That isn't-"

"You're right, that's hardly a novel fact. We should've known better than to listen to him in the first place. From taking that quest a couple days back, not throwing that stupid Arrow in the trash or in the fireplace it as soon as we made it home."

"Quit acting like you're the only victim here! Remember what Darkness did to me!?"

"G-Guys, this isn't-"

ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ

"Stop… stop reminding me of that, you creep! Besides, you brought that on yourself! Or have you conveniently forgotten that you were the one who gave her ｢ _Lovers_ ｣!?"

"And that warrants my poor psyche being violated by her fantasies!? Not to mention, that was all an honest accident!"

"Of course it does! You deserve every torment that comes your way for what you did to us, accident or otherwise!"

"Then how about you, dumb-ass!? Shouldn't you be punished as well!? Since I happen to recall that _you_ were the one who threw the Arrow that wound up hitting Megumin-!"

A deafening, eerie silence befell the room as I uttered that name.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ**

Megumin.

We'd forgotten about her… again.

In the midst of all our _Stand_ -related drama, it had somehow escaped our mind that the fourth member of our party had been absent the whole time… until our altercation inadvertently stumbled into the elephant in the room.

One that had also been shot by the Arrow, which meant…

 **ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ**

She had also gained a _Stand_.

A realization that came to Darkness and Aqua as well, their eyes widening.

For they too felt the foreboding chill crawling down their spines, the _menacing_ storm clouds ( _as in, honest-to-God clouds made of ｺﾞ_ ) gathering around us.

For if _Stands_ were a reflection of one's soul, as we had established…

 **ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ**

Darkness' of her masochistic dispositions…

Aqua's of her status as a water Goddess…

Mine of my ( _natural_ ) perverted tendencies…

Then…

 **ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ**

 _Just what manner of Stand would arise from an Explosion-obsessed, Chuunibyou mage?_

 _ ***click***_

And on cue…

 _ *****_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_

Came our booming answer, atomizing the wall behind me…

The ear-shattering explosion nearly knocked me off my feet, hurling all manner of objects across the room and setting everything caught in its radius, even the dust it kicked up, on fire.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** _ **Aaaaahhhhhhh…**_ **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

And from the scorching maelstrom that was ground zero…

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **What a beautiful…** _ **Explosion**_ **.** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

Casually strolling through the massive hole she had created…

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **There must be no other** _ **magic**_ **… as pretty as this** _ **spell**_ **.** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

Arms stretched to the side, head held high as to better contemplate her handiwork…

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **This feels… like a** _ **lark**_ **.** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

Entered Megumin… capturing the full, undivided attention of the three onlookers with her literal explosive entrance, those had so carelessly let her slip from their minds, now reduced to a state of stunned awe.

"M-M-M-Megumin, are you…?" — enraptured and terrified as I was by the spectacle unfolding in front of me, it didn't even register who made the question, myself, Darkness or Aqua.

Not that it really mattered, as the pint-sized mage took to address her mesmerized audience, her pose shifting in a single brisk motion: legs held together, knees bent, back slightly arched backwards, arms crossed, head tilted towards the ceiling still.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Okay? My exalted comrades ask of me… If I am okay…?** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

She snickered condescendingly, bringing her left hand to cover the right side of her face.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Oh, I'm more than** _ **okay**_ **… in fact…** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

Dragging her one-eyed gaze downwards, towards us.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** _ **I never felt better in my entire life!**_ _ **Never have the true faces of my companions, the entwining threads of causality that unite us in providence, so plain for me to see!**_ _ **Never did my crimson red eye shine as bright as it does at this junction of our Fates!**_ **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

The scariest part was that, unlike her same old Chuunibyou routine, this time her left eye _was_ shining. The pupil had extended into a feline-like slit and turned near white, while the crimson iris had bled into the sclera, turning both into a void of radiating reddish-pink energy.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Isn't it sublime!? Isn't it magnificent!? This power…** _ **unlimited**_ _ **power**_ **… flowing through this right hand of mine! How it stirs… How it surges… How it aches to burst forth… with the force of a million** _ **Explosions**_ **! I cannot contain it! No more than a mere human can ever hope to hold the sun aloft!** _ **I cannot**_ **! It's too much… too much for my mortal coil to withstand! It'll break… break…** _ **break**_ **…** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

 _ ***bwwaaarrrr***_

To say nothing of the shadowy, squatting, pink cat… man decked in black leather straps, whose faint ghostly image was superimposed over Megumin's, their left eyes neatly overlapping.

 _That_ could only be her _Stand_ …

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** _ **Ah**_ **!** **You see it too, can you not? You can see** _ **BakudaNeko**_ **…** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

…she went and named 'Bomb Cat', of all things.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Magnificent, is it not? But do you realize how truly wonderful it is? All it lays its hand upon simply…** _ **EXPLODES! ! ! !**_ **It disintegrates into millions of fragments…** _ **the finest**_ **of** _ **dust**_ **… nay a trace left after! It crumbles from the inside out…** _ **folding onto itself**_ **… its corporeal form morphing into the very** _ **Explosion**_ **that reduces it to nothingness, that erases it from this plane of reality!** **Zenith of extinction! Antithesis of creation! So singularly personified!** _ **BakudaNeko**_ **! Everything it touches becomes** _ **Explosion**_ **!** **And to bear witness to it all! As many times as I desire! So beautiful…** _ **I could cry**_ **…** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

And she did.

And as she shed those tears of bliss, I managed ( _with utmost discretion_ ) to cast _Steal_ , swiping her Adventurer's Card as I had done with Aqua's.

»==================================«

 _ **Stand:**_ ｢ _Killer Queen_ ｣

»==================================«

A tarot card I had heard of that sure as heck was not… _BakudaNeko_ was also starting to sound a hell of a lot more pleasant by comparison.

But… surely it couldn't be as bad as she was making it out to be-

»==================================«

 **Bomb Transmutation:** ｢ _Killer Queen_ ｣ can turn any object it touches, inanimate or otherwise, into a bomb. By gesturing the right hand as if pressing a handheld thumb detonator, the charged object can then be detonated, being consumed in its entirety by the subsequent explosion. Additionally, if a living being touches the transmuted bomb, its explosive charge can travel into said being, erasing him instead. Only one charge can be active at any given time.

»==================================«

There weren't enough expletives in Human language to describe how comprehensively f***ed we were.

That her flowery soliloquy did not constitute that much of an exaggeration, spoke volumes of her _Stand_ 's destructive capabilities. Though ｢ _Killer Queen_ ｣'s did not match her regular spell in intensity, judging by the damage done to the wall, its ability was tantamount to her unlocking multi-cast _Explosion_. Add to that her current demented state - likely a result of having the Arrow lodged in her eye and/or Aqua botching her healing - and that more than made up for it in terms of how utterly screwed our lives had just become.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Yet… I find myself growing unsatisfied. The plethora objects I made into** _ **Explosion**_ **on the way here… the total sum of their annihilation… it simply does not placate my…** _ **need**_ **. They are but to simplistic you see. Wholly lacking the intricate designs I long to behold extinguished. I require more than that! Suffer not my newfound gift to be wasted on mere trivialities of this existence!** _ **Inconsequential**_ **! But, then I thought to myself… then I thought of you guys! Afterall… what could be more involving, more momentous than you, my cherished allies!?** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

Yep, completely screwed.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **So then…** _ **Aqua**_ **.** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

"Eh!?" — mimicking its User ( _or was it the other way around?_ ), Megumin's _Stand_ pointed its left index finger at the Arch Priest, who could do little but to flinch in response.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Care to lend me your hand?** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

Only then fixing her and her _Stand_ 's gaze upon her target with a sideways leer, their heads unmoving.

"L-L-L-Lend you my hand...?" — it didn't take a genius to figure out what she meant by that — "W-Wait a minute, why me!?"

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **You were the one who fell me with the arrow, were you not? You've accrued a debt… one I do not wish to burden you with anymore. Let me forgive you…** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

"But won't I die!?"

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Details, details…** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

"Wait, Megumin!" — I interceded — "The Arrow is what gave you those powers! What gave the four of us _Stands_! Why you have ｢ _Killer Queen_ ｣-!"

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** _ **BakudaNeko**_ **. That's its name.** _ **Ba-ku-da-Ne-ko**_ **.** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

"G-G-Got it… _BakudaNeko_." — with a slight jerk to the side, and seemingly taking offense at my 'misnaming', the two stared me down till I amended myself — "B-But, when you think about it, Aqua is the reason you have a _Stand_. So, really, you should be thanking her."

"T-T-There's no need for that. I'm just glad you end up taking a liking to your _Stand_. Everything for a friend…" — that useless Goddess ought to put some more effort into that grating laugh of hers if she ever hoped to convince anyone of her equally fake modesty.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Interesting...** **It would seem that while I lay dormant, you've acquired powers similar to mine.** _ **Stands**_ **, was it? And the Arrow is responsible… Yes,** **I figured that was the case… But was she aware of any of this when she threw it at me?** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

"Well… no, not really. We've only figure out the exact details about _Stands_ just recently." — I confessed.

"Kazuma, you idiot! You could have lied and said yes!" — not to those pitiless faces I couldn't.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Your honesty is most wise, Kazuma. Now, with that matter settled, and without further ado…** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

｢ _Killer Queen_ ｣ stood up, towering over the shortest member of our party, dispelling its cloaking black fog and replacing it with a bright burgundy aura. Its eyes were identical to Megumin's left, with its thin-lipped mouth and flat face further reinforcing its cold-blooded demeanor, an expression devoid of any emotion ( _as well as of a nose_ ). In addition to the studded leather gloves, footwear and loincloth skirt, the pink _Stand_ was also adorned with various golden medallions, each featuring the emblem of the Crimson Magic Clan.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** _ **Let me touch you… dearest Aqua**_ **.** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

User and _Stand_ began to calmly advance on their paralyzed, soon-to-be victim, the latter extending its arms as if intending to caress her face.

" _KYYAAAHHHH! ! ! !_ " — Aqua's meanwhile, sensing the impending danger, started leaking out of the blue-haired Goddess in large quantities, acting as a surrogate for her already dried-up tears.

"Megumin! Please come to your senses!" — ever a beacon of chivalry, Darkness put herself between the two, blocking Megumin's path with her body — "Aqua is both a party member and a friend, you cannot use _Explosion_ on her!"

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Of course I can. Haven't you been paying attention? All** _ **BakudaNeko**_ **has to do is…** _ **feel her**_ **.** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

But that did little to deter the deranged mage, who carried on as if the blonde wasn't there.

"No! I cannot let you pa-!"

 _ ***SMACK***_

"Darkness!"

The crusader was sent reeling into the fireplace courtesy of ｢ _Killer Queen_ ｣ backhanding her across the face ( _much to her patent elation_ ), kicking up a cloud of ash and clearing their way. Aqua, being her typical useless self, continued to huddle in her corner instead of ( _oh, I don't know_ ) _running away from the slowly approaching mage.._. _or actually putting her overpowered Stand to use._

"Megumin, you're one of my most cherished friends and I… and I perish the thought of having to fight you, but…" — leaving a shaken ( _but ever a glutton for more punishment_ ) Darkness to stagger back to her feet, drawing her weapon — "It seems I'm left without choice! Have at you!"

With a guttural cry, she leapt at Megumin's _Stand_ and, uncharacteristic of the clumsy knight, the swinging edge of her blade seemed to home in on her target for once…

"Uh!?"

…only for it to phase through it, like she was slashing at air. _Figures_.

"It didn't-!" — Darkness observed, looking in disbelief at her sword…

 _ ***SMACK***_

…before an aloof ｢ _Killer Queen_ ｣ sent her packing again ( _to her rejoicing_ ) with another offhand backhand, its focus kept squarely on a still unmoving Aqua, its and its User's pace unabated.

From what I could gather, with the apparent exception of ｢ _Yellow Temperance_ ｣, _Stands_ didn't appear to be fully corporeal entities. It then stood to reason that, besides the respective User, only they could physically interact with one another. Meaning, in essence…

 _One needs a Stand to combat a Stand._

"｢ _Hermit Purple_ ｣! ! ! !" — being that the case, I summoned mine, whipping out its numerous purple lashes towards ｢ _Killer Queen_ ｣.

My ( _many_ , _many_ ) grievances with Aqua aside, I couldn't well let Megumin walk to her and blow her up to smithereens. We were partners till the Devil King was defeated after all, and I did say owed her one for reviving me ( _and for putting her through all those Arrow related shenanigans_ ).

That, and I was pretty sure the unhinged teenager would be gunning for me next. Best to strike while her attention was diverted.

" _Yosh_!"

As I inferred, unlike Darkness, ｢ _Hermit Purple_ ｣ was successful in stopping ｢ _Killer Queen_ ｣ in its tracks, curling itself around its rather muscular, yet sleek and feminine frame

"It worked! It-!"

 _ ***cr-cr-cr-crack***_

The sickening crunch the humanoid feline produced, by gradually cranking its head to a near 180-degree turn to glare at me, cut my premature celebration short.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Kazuma…** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

Made worse by the fact Megumin, while not mirroring that particular gesture ( _thank God_ ), was nonetheless striking the same unnatural pose as her bound _Stand_ , with folds cropping up in the skin around her neck and upper chest.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Where do you think you are touching me? With** _ **what**_ **are you touching me?** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

Indicating that their bodies shared some sort of reciprocal connection, and considering I was wrapping her _Stand_ all over the place…

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **I can feel them… these many things, this den of salacious serpents feeling up my figure.** _ **Fondling me…**_ **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

"No wait, Megumin! That wasn't-"

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** _ **SILENCE! ! ! !**_ **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

 _ ***CRACK***_

With another unsettling pop, the rest of ｢ _Killer Queen_ ｣'s body realigned itself with its piercing gaze, the snap swiveling motion breaking ｢ _Hermit Purple_ ｣'s hold with dismal ease.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **You dare… Even after the tribulations that we… a party of those assembled by the tidings of Fate, whose sacred bond of camaraderie is to withstand the erosion of time… WE had to endure at the hands of those blood-sucking, flexile nudists!?** _ **YOU DARE! ? ! ?**_ **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

Followed by Megumin herself, turning her predatory cat eye and index finger at her new prey.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **As you wish. It is decided. Upon you I shall bestow the honor of being the first mortal to be subjected to** _ **BakudaNeko**_ **'s power.** _ **Rejoice**_ **…** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

Face-to-face with my now imminent doom, I took some solace in that I had at least succeeded in saving Aqua. Pity it would come at the cost of my own life, and I doubted she could bring me back this time, after my body had been exploded to ash.

" _I'm coming to stay, Lady Eris…_ "

But, as the saying went, a cornered rat will bite the cat. Having nothing left to lose, I sent ｢ _Hermit Purple_ ｣ against Megumin with wild abandon… but it was a forlorn endeavor from the start. Her _Stand_ was simply too powerful and nimble - or rather, mine was too damn weak - swathing away the lashing tentacles without effort as it approached.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **You keep lobbing those odious purple tendrils at me… Do you have that big of a death wish, Kazuma?** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

" _NO! ! ! !_ " — I bawled — "I want to live you maniac! I'm trying to defend myself!"

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **To see one cry out against his own destiny. Admirable…** _ **but futile**_ **.** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

"It's madness, is what it is!"

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Madness…?** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

"Yes! What else would you call it!? Me being the first for you to explode, an honor!? I thought we were all your friends! What the hell is wrong with you!?" — I tried to reason with her, to no effect I knew deep down.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **You… you're right.** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

"I… am…?" — or perhaps not, as she came to a halt.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **You are. Thank you for bringing this up, Kazuma. My mind has changed. I've decided not to turn** _ **you**_ **into** _ **Explosion**_ **.** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

"Really…?" — was I dreaming?

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Yes, Kazuma, Aqua, Darkness...** **I've realized I cannot allow myself to use my premier** _ **Explosion**_ **on** _ **one**_ **of you.** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

"Really!?" — would fourth time be the charm for my _Luck_?

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** _ **I shall use it on ALL of you! At the same time!**_ _ **You shall ALL have the honor of being my first!**_ **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

"What!?" — nope, still f***ed.

"Wait, what reason do you have to blow _me_ up?" — a befuddled Darkness asked.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Do not mistake my intentions for any ill will towards you, Darkness. Quite the contrary, it's a boon I'm granting you. For I know of your innermost desire, to see that mortal frame of yours painstakingly ravaged. I ask, oh noble crusader… What finer, more thorough despoil is there than** _ **Explosion**_ **?** _ **Think of it**_ **! Your body ripped apart from the inside out, your mind slowing to a death knell's crawl as it's torn by its seams. It is the ultimate ecstasy I can provide to you, as your faithful partner! Just imagine** _ **the succulent suffering**_ **you'll get to experience!** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

" _~The succulent suffering~_ …" — she panted, rubbing her arms in anticipation.

"Need I remind you we're all going to die here, you perverted knight!? Stop getting turned on like some bitch in heat!" — much to my never-ending consternation, as I took a hold of her to try and knock some sense into her.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Now,** _ **BakudaNeko**_ **! I call upon ye! Grant me your most splendid power once more! The power of** _ **Explosion**_ **!** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

As I saw her _Stand_ execute a stylish pirouette and touch the ground with its hand, my mind rewound back to its description on Megumin's Adventurer's Card…

'｢ _Killer Queen_ ｣ can turn any object it touches (…) into a bomb…' like say, the entire floor of the common room.

Her grin widening well past its contours, Megumin struck a pose while holding her right hand high, as if giving us the thumbs up…

'…as if holding a handheld thumb detonator… ' for the bomb we were now standing atop of.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** _ **BakudaNeko**_ **…** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

"ohmyGod _RUUNNN! ! ! !_ "

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** _ **…**_ _ **EX-PLO-SION! ! ! !**_ **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

 _ ***click***_

* * *

 **KO-NO-** _ *****_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_

* * *

 _*cough*_

 _*cough*_

"Kazuma, are you okay?" — Darkness asked as I lay on top of her, not at all bothered by our rough landing.

"Yeah… I think so." — but not for long I knew — "God, that was close."

The two of us ( _though only because I had dragged her by the arm_ ) managed to hurl ourselves out the window the instant before Megumin detonated the bomb, with the subsequent blast further adding momentum to our jump. Acting on instinct, our rather wishing to take the full brunt of the 1st storey fall into the courtyard, the bulky crusader managed to grab me mid-air and soften my impact using her body as a pillow. A pillow covered in adamantine armor, which I wished she hadn't pressed my head against, as I now suffered through the mother of all headaches. The thought was appreciated, I guess…

"What about Aqua? Where is she?"

She, _like an_ _idiot_ , preferred to stay put in her little corner, even as the manic mage made her intention of blowing it ( _and all of us_ ) up to kingdom come abundantly clear. Fortunately for the blue-haired deity, ｢ _Yellow Temperance_ ｣ covered for her suicidal ineptitude, quite literally, automatically sheltering her within itself. Safe inside a ball of goo, she had also been flung outside by the exploding floor, touching down a few dozen feet away from where Darkness and I landed.

"Icky!Icky!Icky!Icky!Icky!" — sticking her head out from the splattered green orb, she went on to express her 'appreciation' for the very substance that had just saved her life.

"Stop whining, you useless Goddess!" — I howled — "We have much bigger problems on our hands right now!"

"You only say that because you aren't covered by this fulsome stuff!" — I was starting to feel more sorry for her _Stand_ than anything, having that kind of ingrate for its User.

"Just how dense are you!? Snap out of it already! You've to do something!"

"Me…? What do you want _me_ to do, you shut-in NEET!?"

"You have to stop Megumin and ｢ _Killer Queen_ ｣. Your _Stand_ is the only one which stands a chance!" — no pun intended.

"You want me to fight her!? Are you out of your mind!?" — given that I was waging our lives on her actions, quite likely — "I'm an Arch Priest! A healer, not a fighter! That's your job! She's too strong!"

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Too strong…?** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

And speaking of which…

The eponymous devil made her presence known, jumping into the courtyard and striking a dramatic pose while a miniature _Explosion_ slowed her descent.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** _ **I AM THE FUCKING STRONG** **! ! ! !**_ **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

" _KYYAAAHHHH! ! ! !_ " — seeing Megumin, Aqua immediately retreated back to her green gooey shell, akin a turtle retracting its head.

"You useless Goddess!" — leaving me and Darkness to deal with the homicidal teen.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **How rude... All I wanted has for you three to experience my** _ **Explosion**_ **without any feeling excluded, without exception. Seems I'll have to do it one by one. So… _volunteers_?** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

"Kazuma." — the crusader stepped forth, addressing me in her 'serious mode' — "Take Aqua and flee. I'll do my best to buy you some time."

"But…"

"Don't argue! It is my duty as a crusader to shield my fellow party members from harm! Even if my attacks are useless, at the least I can provide a distraction that'll allow you two to escape. I'm sure I can buy you some time, before I…"— 'duty' being codeword for her transparent attempts to get herself hurt for her sick thrills. Besides…

"Her _Stand_ can turn your body into a bomb with _one touch_!" — I reminded her — "How exactly are you suppose to buy us time!?"

"I'll... I'll have to try regardless." — no she hadn't, for in no way that would help us actually put a stop to Megumin's rampage.

But before I could hammer that point in, she threw herself at ｢ _Killer Queen_ ｣ with abandon once again.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **You desire to taste it first, Darkness?** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

And, predictably, the pink cat-man caught her sword mid-swing with ease…

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Very well then…** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

'…if a living being touches the transmuted bomb, its explosive charge can travel into said being, erasing them instead' I recalled, as the blade was infused with its aura.

"Crap!"

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** _ **Let rapture consume you!**_ **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

" _Steal!_ "

 _ ***click***_

Using my predilect skill, I nabbed her weapon…

 _ *****_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_

…and chuck it to the side in the nick of time. Though not fast enough to avoid getting knocked down by the blasted sword, singing the hairs on my face and drowning my ears in a piercing ring.

"Kazuma, why have you disarmed me?"

"Oh, I just so happen to find your sword to my liking and- _WHY DO YOU THINK WOMAN! ? ! ?_ " — I berated, not sure if she was just plain dense or that desperate to get herself killed — "Look out!"

Megumin's _Stand_ struck with an open hand palm thrust against her chest.

" _Steal!_ "

 _ ***click***_

Leaving me with no time to waste, as I repeated the process for her breastplate.

 _ *****_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_

Which, again, nearly came at cost of my life, as it violently disintegrated at too close range.

｢ _Killer Queen_ ｣'s next blow the crusader was able to block with her gauntlets…

" _Steal!_ "

 _ ***click***_

 _ *****_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_

The follow-up, she deflected with her chin guards…

" _Steal!_ "

 _ ***click***_

 _ *****_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_

And another with her shoulder pauldron…

" _Steal!_ "

 _ ***click***_

 _ *****_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_

By some miracle, or Megumin's sadistic caprice, the humanoid feline kept striking at Darkness' armor, meaning I could ( _barely_ ) keep her alive for a while longer.

" _Steal!_ "

 _ ***click***_

 _ *****_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_

But it couldn't go on indefinitely.

" _Steal!_ "

 _ ***click***_

 _ *****_ **ドッカーン** _ *****_

Not only was I endangering myself again and again, the crusader was also rapidly running out of armor pieces for me to strip.

" _Steal!_ "

 _ ***click***_

 _ *****_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_

Meaning ｢ _Killer Queen_ ｣ would soon score a direct strike regardless.

" _Steal!_ "

 _ ***click***_

 ***** _ **ドッカーン**_ *****

So right before that…

"｢ _Hermit Purple_ ｣! ! ! !" — I pulled the daft ( _now armorless_ ) idiot by the ankles, her tumble causing the pink _Stand_ 's finishing blow to miss, and out of harm's way.

"K-Kazuma, what are you-!?"

"Never mind that, we gotta go!"

"And what of Aqua!?"

"Give me a break, I'm just one guy! I can only deal with one death-seeking member of my party at a time!" — and much as I wished to chew either of them out for the crap they were putting me through, there were more pressing priorities.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Amusing as seeing you teetering at the edge of inevitability was, Kazuma... don't go thinking you can deny me again.** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

Namely, running the hell away from the killer mage.

"Leg it!"

And run we did… at a speed I was fairly certain Megumin's frail physique couldn't hope to match, despite having to tow a reluctant Darkness along.

 _ ***click***_

 _ *****_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_

She could, however, morph the ground beneath her into a bomb to launch herself forward like a missile ( _mockingly leering us as her face zoomed past, posing_ ), cutting off our escape route while striking yet another over-the-top pose.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Going somewhere?** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

"Crap! Crap!"

 _ ***click***_

 _ *****_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Why do you persist in delaying the inevitable?** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

No matter where we turned, how fast we tried to escape.

 _ ***click***_

 _ *****_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **One can never outrun his own Fate.** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

She would always catch up with us, blocking our path with more extravagant posing.

 _ ***click***_

 _ *****_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **And yours,** **my crimson eye has** **seen written in stone.** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

Like a flamboyant cat toying with two mice.

 _ ***click***_

 _ *****_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **To become** _ **Explosion**_ **by** _ **BakudaNeko**_ **'s hand!** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

"Hold on to me, Darkness! ｢ _Hermit Purple_ ｣! ! ! !" — our ground routes exhausted, we took to the skies, or rather the mansion's rooftop, using my _Stand_ as a grappling hook gun to fling ourselves upward.

 _ ***click***_

 _ *****_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_

But even there she could follow us, using an _Explosion-_ assisted jump to boost herself onto the roof…

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **You cannot avoid your coming reckon** _ **EEEEEeehhhhhhhhh! ! ! !**_ **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

…only to fall through the already rickety structure the moment she came to a hard land in front of us. _All according to plan_ … I told myself.

"Goddess, Megumin! Is she going to be okay!? Do you think she's injured!?" — the crusader's misplaced concern aside, she was surely fine… and royally pissed off to boot, I bet.

"I'm _slightly_ more worried about us at the moment! Come on!" — all the more reason to make the best of the precious time we'd gained.

Using my _Stand_ to rappel back down, we made a beeline for that useless Goddess, who hadn't moved an inch despite the front row seat for her companions' plight, laying prostrated inside her gooey shield, covering her ears.

"Hey, Aqua! Aqua! Get out here! We need your help! Hey!" — I hollered, banging the green sticky shell to get her attention.

"G-G-G-Go away!" — surfacing from its side, her blue-haired head promptly shooed us — "M-M-Megumin is after you! When she comes back, she'll-!"

"Blow us up, yes! The _three_ of us! We'll all be goners if you just stand there!" — again, no pun intended — "That why I need your assistance!"

"I already told you, I'm a healer not a fighter! What can I possibly do against her!?"

"It doesn't have to be _you_ , idiot, just your _Stand_!" — I pointed out — "｢ _Yellow Temperance_ ｣ is our only hope of stopping ｢ _Killer Queen_ ｣!"

"It… it is? How can you be so sure?" — because, aside from its OP set of abilities…

"I've a plan… but I need you to back me up!" — I assured her — "So snap out of it, before Megumin-!"

 _ ***click***_

 _ *****_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_

This being the third time, I was beginning to suspect the diminutive mage was timing her entrances on purpose for maximum dramatic effect, as she nonchalantly emerged out from the newest hole in the manor's wall ( _again_ _posing_ ).

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Goodness,** **that was a tad embarrassing… Where were we…? Ah, yes!** _ **Your coming reckoning**_ **.** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

" _KYYAAAHHHH! ! ! !_ "

"Oh no, you don't!" — on the double, I took a hold of that useless Goddess' ponytail, keeping her from retreating back into her _Stand_ — "Aqua…! Listen…!"

"Ouch! Ouch! Stop pulling my hair, you brute! It hurts!"

"Listen!" — and to make sure she did, I brought my mouth within point-blank range of her ear — "Once Megumin's done with Darkness and me, she'll be coming for you. Staying inside your _Stand_ won't do you any good in the long run. _Do_? _You_? _Understand_?"

"Then what am I suppose to do?"

"I need you to use your _Stand_ to pin ｢ _Killer Queen_ ｣ down. Keep it from moving. You think you can do that at least?"

"But I'm too scared!"

"Then grow a pair! Balls, ovaries, in-between, I don't care! Just stop crying and do something! Our lives are at stake here!" — God, how could a deity be so goddamn hopeless — "As long as you keep prioritizing your own safety, ｢ _Yellow Temperance_ ｣ won't let go of you!"

"That's because my well-being _is_ my utmost priority!"

"You selfish Goddess! Stop thinking of just yourself! Why can't you be more like Lady Eris, and actually help others when they're in need!?"

"More like… _Eris_?" — there was a discernible shift in her mood, going from pants-pissing terror to sizzling bitterness at the mention of her fellow Goddess' name.

That gave me an idea.

"Yes, her. Tell me, Aqua, just how are you going to explain yourself before Lady Eris when we die? That her beloved _senior_ let herself be killed in such a manner? That a 'supposed' mighty Goddess like yourself couldn't even protect her companions. That she wound up becoming the laughing stock of the entire pantheon?" — if she wasn't already after being dumped into this world — "Do you think she'll feel pity for you… or laugh with the others?"

"…s-shut up."

Going by the ripples appearing on her _Stand_ 's surface, my goading was working. Self-centered as she was, appealing to her pride was the tried-and-tested method to spur Aqua into action. Time I kicked it up a notch.

"And can you imagine what your followers will be saying once they hear of your demise?" — I drew my best array of voices, pouring more fuel into the fire — "'I heard some loli mage killed her with no effort.' 'And she just stood there and did nothing but weep?' 'I knew we should've dedicated ourselves to Eris instead.' 'You're right, she's much more helpful than her anyway.' 'Not to mention handsomer and kinder.' 'Why, oh why were we worshiping such a weak, pathetic Goddess?' 'I regret ever wasting my breath praying to her.'"

" _Shut up_." — though, admittedly, I was putting too much of my own thoughts onto those lines.

A fact she likely caught on to, as the goo clinging to her ponytail began dissolving the skin of my palm and fingers.

"A-A-Aqua, i-it's melting my hand! Tell it to sto-!"

"I said _SHUT UP! ! ! !_ "

With a rumble matching that of an awakening volcano, the gelatinous shell that was her _Stand_ first convulsed, then erupted much like an emerald geyser. The violence behind the outburst elicited a trio of shocked reactions, none more so than mine as I was knocked me back several couple of meters by the sudden maelstrom. And in its epicenter, a raging deity ( _finally_ ) rose to her feet…

"｢ _Yellow Temperance_ ｣! ! ! !" — Aqua roared — "Your Goddess commands you! Sic the lowly runt who'd dare lay me low! Sic her! _SIC! ! ! !_ "

Answering her call, a veritable tsunami of sludge surged forth and fell upon Megumin. Much to the latter's consternation, ｢ _Killer Queen_ ｣'s rapid fisticuffs proved ineffective in stemming the amorphous green tide, which soon adhered itself all over the opposing _Stand_ , binding it and, by extension, its User.

"You did it, Aqua! You stopped Megumin!"

"Good job!" — Darkness and I congratulated.

"Was there ever a doubt? Such outcome is only natural when coming from a genial Goddess like myself." — though, of course, all the praise shot straight into her head.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **You…** _ **Damn**_ _ **you**_ **… Weren't Kazuma's tentacles enough of a torturous remembrance? Do I now have to be reminded of the** _ **oil**_ **as well,** _ **Aqua…**_ **?** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

"Ah! Serves you right, for trying to kill me, you darn brat! Consider this your divine punishment!" — with her newfound confidence, Aqua felt at ease to diss a fuming Megumin's distress.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **I'd tread carefully with that tongue of yours.** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

"Oh, yeah!? Why don't you come here and make me!?" — a little too at ease — "Oh, wait! You can't! Ah!"

Ignoring the banter between the two, with ｢ _Killer Queen_ ｣ now immobilized I could implement the second half of my plan.

"Here goes nothing… ｢ _Hermit Purple_ ｣! ! ! !" — starting by grabbing a hold of Megumin's right arm with my fleshy whips — " _Yosh_! Now… _Drain Touch_!"

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Oh…?** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

Given how _Stands_ acted almost as continuations of their Users bodies, it was not farfetched to assume one could then channel magic and spells through them. And as the purple vines lighten up with her life energy, as it flowed into me, my hunch was proven correct.

"It's working!" — one needed a _Stand_ to combat a _Stand_ , that much was true… but to _defeat_ a _Stand_ , one only had to defeat its _User_.

"I see! By siphoning all of her mana, you can incapacitate both Megumin and ｢ _Killer Queen_ ｣, without having to resort to further violence! You just need Aqua to keep them both tied down in the meantime!"

"So that's your plan. I got to admit, that's kinda clever of you, Kazuma. I was starting to think I had to do everything myself."

Though I could do without that patronizing jab from Aqua, it was heartening to hear my party members' voices filling with patent relief after my strategy had come to fruition.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Yes… clever.** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

A sharp contrast to Megumin's, who gave a light ( _resigned?_ ) chuckle.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Quite clever indeed, Kazuma. You even went as far as to enwrap my right hand. To keep** _ **me**_ **from triggering my** _ **Explosion**_ **I wager?** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

"That's right!" — just a little while longer, and we'd be in the clear — "This _Explosion_ spree of yours is over!"

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Is it now? Don't you remember what I told you before? No mere human can ever hope to hold the sun aloft. None can contain the chaos that forever rages within me…** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

"What are you-?"

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Not least of which when he's only** **restraining my mortal hand.** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

"Mortal…?" — my eyes were drawn to her _Stand_ 's right hand… still loose… and motioning for the detonator — " _S***! ! ! !_ Aqua, grab its hand before-!"

 _ ***click***_

 _ *****_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_

My warning came too late, as several, miniature blasts surrounded Megumin's _Stand_ in rapid succession, violently expunging the slime that caked its figure and covering both in smoke.

"Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!"

"Kazuma, you idiot! Why didn't you tell me her _Stand_ could still use its powers on mine!?" — Aqua chewed me out.

"I didn't know!" — or rather I had made a mistake, two gross oversights.

First, not taking into account that, being fully corporeal, ｢ _Yellow Temperance_ ｣ could be turned into a bomb itself. The second being that, due to her theatrics, I'd made the wrong assumption that Megumin was the one triggering the _Explosions_ , not ｢ _Killer Queen_ ｣.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Ohh… isn't that a shame?** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

I didn't have long to dwell on those errors though as, out of the evanescing black mist, three shining cat-eyes emerged.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **A mere triviality dooming such a well thought-out plan…** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

Followed by the pair that wielded them, flexing their right hands as to further rub our failure in, while the tallest of the two clenched ｢ _Hermit Purple_ ｣'s extremities with its left, keeping me from retracting it.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **But failure can be a valuable teacher. I shall consider this lesson your partying gift…** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

Its burgundy aura travelling through the purple vines, and into my helpless person.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Farewell,** _ **Kazuma**_ **.** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

Make that _three_ gross oversights.

 _ ***click***_

"Shi-"

 _ *****_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_

" _KAZUMA! ! ! !_ "

Aqua's and Darkness' horrified screams were muted as I was blown away by a blaring plume of fire. As I felt the air in my lungs being forcibly drawn out by the hungry flames, my vision going white, my skin cooking, my organs being pressed against my sides due the sudden acceleration, and the subsequent whiplash as I came crashing down. Yet…

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **H-How…?** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

I _felt_ it.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** _ **Just how are you still alive**_ **!? I made certain you…** _ **You**_ **… Your perseverance beseems that of a cockroach. Laudable… yet oh-so irksome.** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

"I'm alive…?" — I couldn't well believe that using my _Stand_ to _Steal_ on myself, transferring the bomb charge into one of its tendrils in the nick of time, had actually worked — "I'm alive…"

Though I hadn't avoided the _Explosion_ , per se, at least my body had come out of it ( _relatively_ ) intact.

"Kazuma! Oh thank the Goddess, you're okay!" — as Darkness could attest with incredulous relief, while checking on my fallen self — "Aqua, quickly, he needs _Heal_."

"I'm on-!"

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** _ **Methinks**_ **… you have more pressing matters to attend than him, Aqua.** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

Megumin interrupted, not about to let someone else steal her spotlight.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **I'll admit your** _ **Stand**_ **caught me off-guard the first time around. A mistake you'll not get the luxury of me repeating twice over.** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

"We shall see about that!" — Aqua stood defiant, her _Stand_ reforming around her — "｢ _Yellow Temperance_ ｣! ! ! !"

Before it was unleashed again, like a tidal wave. Only this time….

 _ ***click***_

 _ *****_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_

"What!?" — the green tide didn't insomuch touch the pink _Stand_ before it was pushed back by the violent discharge.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **I told you… your chance is past.** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

"Don't underestimate me!" — the Arch Priest insisted, splitting her _Stand_ in two and moving it in for a pincer attack — "From both sides!"

But again.

 _ ***click***_

 _ *****_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_

 _ ***click***_

 _ *****_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_

Megumin's _Stand_ knock both halves away in quick succession.

"Damn it, why isn't it working!?" — maybe if she didn't loudly announce her attack strategy.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Are you done? Your insistence is proving to be profoundly vexing. Same as that** _ **Stand**_ **of yours…** **｢** _ **Yellow Temperance**_ **｣** **…** **not only for the abhorrent form it takes, but for its continual refusal to be converted into glorious** _ **Explosion**_ **.** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

"T-T-That's right! You can blow it up as many times as you want, but my ｢ _Yellow Temperance_ ｣ is indestructible! And as long as I have it, you can't get close to me, now can you!? You won't be able to lay a finger on me!" — Aqua boasted — "Your _Explosion_ is as good as useless against me!"

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Really?** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

"Really."

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** _ **Really**_ **!?** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

"Really!"

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** _ **REALLY! ? ! ?**_ **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

" _REA_ - _! ! ! !_ "

 _ ***SMASH***_

｢ _Killer Queen_ ｣ turned the ground in front of it into a crater with a swift axing motion of its leg, kicking up a cascade of rocky debris. A piece of which it then picked mid-air and lobbed at Aqua with its left hand, leaving its right free to…

"Look out, that's a bomb!" — Darkness shouted, realizing it too.

" _KYYAAAHHHH! ! ! !_ " — reacting automatically, ｢ _Yellow Temperance_ ｣ raised itself as a wall in front of its User, upon which the aura-charged stone collided…

 _ ***click***_

 _ *****_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_

…and then it exploded, leaving a considerable dent in the gelatinous barrier.

But whatever respite the blue-haired Goddess ( _or any of us_ ) may have felt, it was erased when a second projectile…

 _ ***click***_

 _ *****_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_

Followed by a third…

 _ ***click***_

 _ *****_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_

Then a fourth…

 _ ***click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ ***click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ ***click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ ***click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ ***click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ ***click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ ***click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ ***click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ ***click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ ***click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ ***click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ ***click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ ***click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ ***click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ ***click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ ***click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ ***click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ ***click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ ***click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ ***click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ ***click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ ***click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ ***click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ ***click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ ***click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ ***click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ ***click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ ***click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ ***click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_ _ **click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_ _ **click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_ _ **click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_ _ **click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_ _ **click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_ _ **click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_ _ **click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_ _ **click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_ _ **click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_ _ **click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_ _ **click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_ _ **click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_ _ **click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_ _ **click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_ _ **click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_ _ *****_ _ **click***_ _ **ドッカーン**_

…and many, _many_ more came after.

Though limited to one at the time, ｢ _Killer Queen_ ｣ could still pitch explosive rubble at Aqua in blindingly quick, consecutive fashion. And indestructible as it may be, ｢ _Yellow Temperance_ ｣ was not unbreakable, as the force behind each detonation was still enough to tear away small chunks of it. Add to that, the rate with which the bombs struck it and, little by little, her impenetrable shield was being eroded by the steady barrage, broken apart faster than it was able to reconstitute itself.

"Help me!" — Aqua pleaded, prostrated behind her increasingly precarious cover — "Kazuma! Darkness! Someone! _Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp! ! ! !_ "

"Hold on, Aqua! I'm com-!"

"No you're not!" — I took a hold of Darkness' wrist before she threw herself in the cross-fire, perching myself up — "We've gone through this already! You'll just get yourself blown up for nothing!"

"I'm mindful of that danger but… but we cannot simply stay here and watch! We have to do something!"

"I know! And I'm trying to…" — but, for the ( _literal_ ) life of me, I couldn't think of anything — "Damn it all! Aqua's _Stand_ was suppose to be our trump card! What the hell are we suppose to do now!?"

"Perhaps if you use ｢ _Hermit Purple_ ｣ again, now that Megumin is focused on Aqua. Surely this time-"

"That won't work! Not without her restricting ｢ _Killer Queen_ ｣! It's too damn weak! Her _Stand_ would swat it aside like a bug… _like_ _a bug_ …" — like the half-a-dozen or so tiny, black creatures tucked away in the crusader's blonde hair, I now noticed.

"Kazuma? Is something wron-?"

"That's it..."

"That's wha-?" — not wasting time, I snatched one of the drones with my purple vines…

" _Snipe!_ " — and slingshot it at Megumin's ear.

The small, nightmarish insectoid found home near my intended target, worming inside it with the mage none the wiser.

"You threw… you're planning to use ｢ _Lovers_ ｣ on her?" — a prospect its User did not find at all to her liking — "But, Kazuma, won't that…?"

"Yeah…" — and neither did I.

For therein lied my next dilemma.

…

But if the four of us were to see the end of that hellacious day…

…

Then it had to be done, we'd have to resort to that _Stand_ …

…

There was no other avenue left to take…

…

 _Our very lives now hinged on giving_ _a thirteen year old a crippling orgasm._

( _Thank God, nobody can read my thoughts, otherwise that sentence would've made me sound like the biggest lolicon._ )

Though I knew how to stop Megumin, the method itself still left me rather… apprehensive, especially after what I had gone through at the hands ( _pincers_ ) of that _Stand_. Yet, it was the only way, much to my chagrin. Transmitting **pain** from a bulky masochist like Darkness would overtax the fragile mage's physique… and, far off as Megumin's mind was, it couldn't be psychological either.

Which in turn meant…

"W-W-Why are you looking at me like that, Kazuma? With those animalistic eyes…" — the crusader questioned as I turned to her once more, my _Stand_ drawn out and fluttering in anticipation — "…and ｢ _Hermit Purple_ ｣? That many… Why-?"

"I think you know _why_." — I answered her with dejection, a victim soon-to-be perpetrator — "In a way, this what _you_ wanted all along, is it not? Going by how you described my _Stand_ earlier... Shouldn't you be happy, Darkness? You're going to get what you've been craving for."

"K-K-K-Kazuma…" — whatever flimsy façade of resistance Darkness was trying to maintain, it was made token by the fake demure in her voice and overall demeanor.

"Until your masochistic self rapes Megumin's mind, I'll be forced to have my way with you." — and what better than a bunch of Hentai tentacles to do just that — "So, you'd best take pleasure in what I'm about to do… or else we're all going to _die_."

"Kazum _AAAAHHHHHHH! ! ! !_ "

With every second counting, I let ｢ _Hermit Purple_ ｣ loose at the ( _not quite_ ) qualmish crusader, its numerous members latching themselves all around her body and… promptly getting busy, doing what they had to do.

 _What they had to do_ …

While I'd normally relish the occasion of doing this to any woman, the circumstances and the individual in question were far, _FAR_ from ideal. So much so, that I did my damnedest to keep my focus squarely on the ultimate target of my assault, Megumin, who continued to pound away at Aqua as I molested Darkness. How we had gotten ourselves in such a preposterous situation ( _that read like the premise of a weird porn video_ ) will forever remain a mystery to me.

But, much as I tried, I couldn't block out what was happening just a turn of the head away. And it's not like I could even derive some modicum of perverse gratification out of the ordeal in any case. The sensations coming through my _Stand_ were too many, too extraneous for my brain to properly process what I was grabbing, which exact part of her anatomy. Only an overall impression of feeling up skin, too vague for me to a kick out of.

Darkness on the other hand…

"Sto-! Ka _~a~AHH_ ~zuma! Sto-StoooOOooo _~OOOOoo~_!" — lay on the ground, thrashing around in a ( _purposefully_ ) halfhearted attempt to break free from her purple bonds.

Yeah… she probably felt like she was in her own, personal Heaven.

However, in spite of the crusader's protests soon turning into poorly contained moans of glee, my off-screen molestation it wasn't producing any visible effect on the mage.

"To have my bo _~o~OHH~_ dy falling victim to such _~licentious_ ~ humilia~ _a_ ~ _AHH_ ~tion! As if a myriad of tongues li _~e~e~eeehh~_ cking a piece of meat, _~slobbering~_ it in anticipation for the fe~EEEHH~ast to come. How _~ignoble~_ … How _~depraved~_ … Don't look, Kazuma! Don't look at me _~ME~me~_! Kazuma! _~Kazuma~_!"

"I'm not looking!" — and I _really_ didn't wish to — "So stop panting my name, you easy woman!"

"I'm not~ _no-not there_ ~ an easy~ _easy_ ~ _EASY_ ~ woma-ma~ _maaAHHhh_ ~!"

"Do I look like I care!? Stop resisting and start enjoying it already!" — and now I sounded like a dirty rapist to boot, great.

"To hear such ca _~ah~ah~_ llous contempt from you… while I fall victim to such _~beastly urges~_ … am I truly nothing mo _~OHH~_ re than a flesh conduit for you to relie _~e~eeehh~_ ve yourself of your pent-up _~lechery~_? ~ _Am I, Kazuma~_?"

"Shut up! This is hard enough as it is without you running your masochistic mouth! And keep it down before-!"

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** _ **Just**_ **… what are you doing to Darkness, Kazuma?** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

Before a morbidly curious Megumin noticed what was going on.

"Uuuhhhh…" — backed into a corner, I had to improvise a believable excuse — "She asked me to do this."

"I did no-!" — also gagging the blonde while I was at it, shoving several tentacles down her pie hole.

"Darkness wanted to try this out ever since she saw my _Stand_ , you see." — which, let's face it, wasn't wholly untrue — "And since you're going to blow us up, well… this is kinda her last chance. Think of it as her last meal, so to say."

"Mmmm, mmmm!" — she tried to deny it, despite the mouthful of ｢ _Hermit Purple_ ｣.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **I see… Carry on then.** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

Fortunately, Megumin seemed to buy it, returning her undivided attention back to Aqua as I breathed a ( _discreet_ ) sigh of relief after dodging that bullet. But while she hadn't wised up to my plan, it was also plain to see that ｢ _Lovers_ ｣ wasn't affecting her at all. Or, rather, that her sheer willpower was too great for her to succumb to its effects.

"Mind over matter, uh? Then, in that case…" — gritting my teeth, I poured every last ounce of my energy, my full resolve into my _Stand_ , determined to break through her psychosis.

"Mmmm?"

"Simply put, we need to go lewder."

With a flashing crackle, a jungle of purple vines began to sprout from my right arm, soon joining their brethren already working on the fallen knight.

"Mmmmmmmm!?"

 _Lewder_ …

It got to a point where the crusader became fully enwrapped in a cocoon of wringing tentacles, as if in the midst of a frenzied orgy of mating purple snakes, the only parts of her body still visible being her spasming hands, feet and ponytail.

"~ _Mmmmmmmm~! ! ! !_ "

 _LEWDER_ …

Not satisfied with simple numbers though, I turned it up a notch with more vigorous massaging, more spanking, more vibration, more ripping clothes to expose more skin.

" _~MMMMMMMM~! ! ! !_ "

 _ **LEWDER**_ …

And, as a final touch, I threw in a few extra spells through the tendrils: a combo of _Freeze_ , _Sear_ and _Shock_ targeted at her most sensitive spots, mixed with _Drain Touch_ to sap her strength and force her muscles to relax.

" _ **~MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM~! ! ! !**_ "

Hundreds, if not thousands, of hours worth of accumulated theory I now put into practice on an air-humping Darkness, stopping just short of crossing her Rubicon, if only because I knew turning this sordid spectacle into an actual Hentai would end up frying Megumin's brain for good.

Yet, if it had to come to that…

Heavens know how much I didn't want to, but…

But if I had to pass through _that_ point of no return…

" _God help us all_ …"

Much to my elated relief however, just as that grim scenario loomed over my head…

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **It… It burns…** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

｢ _Lovers_ ｣'s effects _finally_ began to manifest themselves on its target, subtly at first with both User and _Stand_ in a light stagger and some of the latter's bombs veering off their mark, landing far away from Aqua…

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **This heat…** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

Then, more missed…

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **This blazing conflagration…** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

Then, all of them did…

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Why does my body** _ **burn**_ **?** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

Then, they stopped all together, ｢ _Killer Queen_ ｣'s entire figure phasing in and out, twitching as though it was having a seizure…

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** _ **White hot**_ **…** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

Then, Megumin herself started to exhibit telltale signs of arousal: collapsing to her knees whilst hugging herself, rubbing together her thighs while trembling and sweating profusely, her face a deep shade of red, her eyes rolling back, and puffing out large billows of steam.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **My** _ **Explosions**_ **… aren't they enough?** **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

Yet, I didn't feel much like commemorating, in spite of my apparent success.

"I'm sorry…"

Not when it came at the expense of forcing the crusader's perverted masochisms onto another person, a violating torment I too had been subjected to.

"I'm so sorry it had to come to this, Megumin."

Even if said individual had been trying her damnest to blow us all up.

"If you ever return to normal, I can only hope you come to forgive me for doing something so detestable." — I whispered to myself in regret.

"It… it stopped. It finally stopped… I'm saved, I'm sav- _WHAT ARE YOU DOING! ? ! ?_ " — Aqua bellowed, spotting the rather shady sight beside me — "You… you've been abusing Darkness with those… those _vile things_ while I was bombarded to near death, you shut-in NEET!? What the hell is wrong with you!?"

"I've been busy saving our collective asses, you useless Goddess, that's what!" — I retorted.

 **(** **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **Yes, I see… I see! Of course! I know what you're trying to tell me!** **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **)**

"By sexually assaulting Darkness with your perv tentacles!? You've been busy, alright!"

"It's not like that, dumb-ass! I mean… it kinda is, but don't you recall what her ｢ _Lovers_ ｣ did to me!?"

"W-Will you quit reminding me of that, you sick freak!"

 **(** **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **It's not enough…** _ **BakudaNeko**_ **… It's not enough!** **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **)**

"Watch who you call 'sick freak', you ingrate! You're alive because of me!"

"Because of you!?"

 **(** **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **I cannot allow it to end this way… Not like** _ **this**_ **!** **ｺﾞｺﾞ** **)**

"There're no more bombs coming your way, now are there!? Who do you think you've to thank for that!?"

"You want me to thank you!? We wouldn't even be in this mess in the first place if it wasn't for you!"

"But unlike some worthless deity I happen to know, I actually took charge and remedied the situation, instead of cowering inside her shell like some worthless turtle would! I stopped ｢ _Killer Queen_ ｣ didn't I!?"

"What did you expect me to do!? Besides, you didn't stop anything! ｢ _Killer Queen_ ｣ is still over there and… casting _Explosion_ … eh?"

"It… is…?"

It was, as evident by the spinning, radiant magical rune-circles that surrounded it… to say nothing of the ominous choir chanting booming through the air.

 _Again_.

Again, we'd forgotten until one of us inadvertently brought it up, _thrice_ that same fateful day.

About Megumin…

About her _Stand_ …

And, this time around, about her regular, fortress-leveling _Explosion_ spell… that, devoid of her magic staff, the mad, _mad_ mage was channeling through her ｢ _Killer Queen_ ｣.

"Heh… Heh… Heh Heh!" — whose effective range was circumscribed to its immediate vicinity…

That is to say, _our_ immediate vicinity.

 _"Heh-Heh-Heh-Heh-Heh-Heh-Heh-Heh-Heh-Heh-Heh-Heh-Heh-Heh-Heh-Heh!_ " — the world around me, it seemed, was slowing down…

To a 'death knell's crawl', just like she said it would.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** _ **~Oh Chaos that dwells within, blackest of Black, deepest Abyss~**_ **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

As the pale horseman neared… as my _Stand_ petered out of existence… as I laughed my head off, _defeated_.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** _ **~Let not this transcendent symphony of mine end a whimper,~**_ **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

Megumin, intoxicated and in ecstasy, was too far gone for any of us to reach out to.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** _ **~Before my body is dry, allow my crimson blood to fulminate,~**_ **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

Aqua, in tears, withdrew back into ｢ _Yellow Temperance_ ｣, not bothering with any of us.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** _ **~By the Arrow that cast down the chains of this weak flesh,~**_ **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

" _~Kazuma_ … _why you stop_ ~?" — while Darkness whined about the abrupt lack of stimulation.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** _ **~My soul freed at long last, given true shape upon this realm,~**_ **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

Standing on the edge of oblivion, that's when I noticed it too, clutched in my left hand…

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** _ **~To bring forth the devastation I've so longed to bestow it,~**_ **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

The Arrow itself, the bane of my existence… that I'd been holding onto this whole time it seemed.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** _ **~To serenade but a lonesome Overture no more,~**_ **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

Looking upon it one more time, my last moments in this world were filled with…

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** _ **~A beautiful Crescendo in your name I've composed,~**_ **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

 _Hate_.

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ** _ **~The CLIMAX now cometh!~**_ **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

Let me tell you how much I've come to _hate_ _you_ since I first lay my eyes on you-

 **ｺﾞｺﾞ~** _ **EX~PLO~SION~!~**_ _ **!~**_ _ **!~**_ _ **!**_ **ｺﾞｺﾞ**

 **ンドッカーンドッ** ・・・・・・ **ーンドッカーンドッカ**  
 **カーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーン** ・ **ッカーンドッカーンド**  
 **ーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカー**  
 **ドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーン**  
 **ンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンド**  
 **ーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカー**  
 **ーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンド**  
 **ンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッ**  
 **ーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッ**  
 **ーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンド**  
 **ーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンド**  
 **ドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカ** ・・・・ **カーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーン**  
 **カーンドッ** ・ **ーンドッカーンドッカー** ・・・・・・・・・・ **ンド** ・・・・・・ **カーン** ・・・・・・ **ッカーンドッカー**  
 **ドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンド** ・・・・・・ **カーン**  
 **ドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンド**  
 **ドッカーンド** ・・ **ーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカー** ・ **ドッカーン**

 **カーンドッカー**  
 **カーンドッカー**  
 **カーンドッカー**  
 **カーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカー**  
 **ッカーンドッカー** ・・・・・・・・・・・・・ **カーンドッカー** ・・・・・・・・・・・・・ **カーンドッカーン**  
 **ッカー** ・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・ **ッカーンドッカー** ・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・ **カーン**  
 **カーンドッカーンド** ・・・・・・・・・ **ドッカーンドッカーン** ・・・・・・・・・・ **ドッカーンドッカー**  
 **ドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンド**  
 **カーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカー**  
 **ドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンド**  
 **カーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカーンドッカ**

…

…

…

…

I remember little after that.

There was no black room, so I gathered I had somehow survived. An educated guess would be that the _Explosion_ had been weaker than usual due to a shortage of mana, stemming from its caster's earlier bombing binge and my _Drain Touch_.

As for the others…

Aqua did what she did best: cry and complain… cry and complain… cry and complain… _cry and complain_ … that was all I could hear ( _or gather_ ) from that useless Goddess.

No doubt stripped bare at this point, and basking in the afterglow of it all going by the trickling droplets of ( _what I foolishly prayed was just_ ) drool and sweat, Darkness' shadow swayed close by as she dangled precariously from the ruined roof of the mansion.

Of Megumin, all that came to mind before the whiteout was seeing her ( _and her Stand_ ) being carried towards the Heavens by the resulting fireball, riding the titanic blast wave on her back in a state of blissful tranquility, Nirvana achieved…

…to eventually fall back down to earth, ｢ _Killer Queen_ ｣ landing a second before catching her in its arms, then gently setting her down on its lap where she now slept soundly, curled around herself.

In the foreground of that peculiar image, held upright in my rigid grip ( _as were all my muscles_ ), was the Arrow and, as my consciousness faded to black…

As I lay upon it the rest of my litany of _hate_ …

I couldn't shake off the sneaking suspicion that, for the four members of our party, these foregoing events were but the start of some… _bizarre adventure_.

・・・・ **««**  
・・ **«««««««««««««««««««««««««««««««««««««**  
 **«««««««««««** **TO BE CONTINUED (?)** **«««««««««««**  
・・ **«««««««««««««««««««««««««««««««««««««**  
・・・・ **««**

* * *

 **KO-NO-** **｢** **KI-MY** **Ō** **｣**

* * *

…

…

…

…

What better way to celebrate two years in than releasing **two** new chapters at the same time?

So be sure to check out **Chapter 2 of** **GATE — Thus, the CARAVEL sailed into uncharted waters…** , or any of my other fics, if you have the time :)

Now that he got the shameless plug out of the way…

 **This will most likely re** **main a** **one** **-shot**.

Hence the question mark at the end. So, you know… don't go expecting Episode 2 in the coming future.

It's also why it's so lengthy, as splitting it into chapters would give the wrong impression that I'm continuing it anytime soon. That's not to say that there isn't a possibility that I will (the same happened with my Gate fic afterall)… just don't count on it. Really this was just a silly idea I had after getting around to finish season 1 of KonoSuba, as the end of JoJo Part 4 left a gaping void on my Friday nights (and my soul), right around the time as its second season was starting ( _yay!_ ).

That and the picture I'm using as the cover image, which was _the_ inspiration for the entire fic.

If you're wondering why I'm giving everyone pre-existing _Stands_ , rather than making new ones up, that's mostly why. It started as a simple thought exercise of assigning Jojo _Stand_ ｢X｣ to KonoSuba character Y, based on their powers and quirks, and changing their appearances a bit. (And, really, what better _Stand_ is there for Megumin than ｢ _Killer Queen_ ｣? Best _Stand_ for best girl.) From there, the wheel in my mind just started spinning, and eventually came up with a 25k+ word long fanfic. (And a full-fledged story arc, because I can't help myself.)

Also, for those questioning why **Kono** **｢** **Kimy** **ō** **｣** , it comes from the Japanese form of the title: **Kono** **｢** **Kimy** **ō** **na Boken** **｣** **ni Shukufuku o!** (Though admittedly, I'm no expert in the language, so that might not be correct.) As for the stone mask, the Aztec stripper vampires, the solar-powered monks, the Nazi cyborg, an arrow giving people ghost powers named after Tarot cards (and a Queen song), the excessive posing, all the ｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞｺﾞ **,** or any stuff you may have found odd… welcome to the wonderful world of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure. You must be new…

…

Remember to leave a comment, or send me a PM, if you liked (or hated) this 'little' story of mine, or have any criticism regarding it you'd like me to hear of.

I'll always try to provide feedback to my readers, and I'm even up for a conversation if you feel like it :)

Many thanks!


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